Author Archives: Tara

Look For Loving In All The Wrong Places: Rekindling love in your marriage

Your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and find all the barriers that you have built against it. Love is your natural state. Your only problem lies in covering it up with cheap substitutes. Our need to be right, expectations of how we think something should be, judgments we project upon others all block our loving nature.

 

During the first stage of falling in love we get a glimpse of our loving nature. Take a minute to think of a time when you first fell in love. If one sits and puts themselves back at this time they will begin to experience a taste of love welling up.

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When you first fall in love you experience this unspeakable feeling of joy, peace, life all tumbled together into one unit. This feeling permeates us and we begin to feel it in all aspects of our life. We aren’t just in love with the person we found but we are in love with squirrels, and plants and spoons, and coffee and anything else we come in contact with. We are in love with life itself.

 

Falling in love is wonderful and it feels so natural to us that we want to hang on to it desperately. What we fail to realize is that it is not coming from the other person. You will discover this when you take a good look at the situation.

 

When you are in love and have this amazing feeling do you only feel it when that person is present in the same room with you? Of course not. You could still feel it if they were in Timbuktu. The feeling is present when they are there and still present when they are not. This is the case for one simple reason. The feeling of love you feel is coming directly from you.

 

When you are open you shine and experience your own natural light. We experience this light in the form of what we call love. But when we think that what we are feeling is coming from the other person we become frightened and want to hang on to this feeling of love. We try to hang on to it by trying to control the other person in various ways.

 

We set up expectations in an attempt to get in touch with this feeling once again. You listen to me so I feel love. You desire me so that I feel this love. You notice me so I feel this love. You show me respect so I feel this love. Listening, desire, attention and respect are all great elements to have in a relationship but you do not need them to experience that love you are looking for.

 

No one can take their love away from you.  When you close off, hold resentments, judge others, have expectations of how a someone or a situation should be you end up cutting yourself off from your natural light.

 

When you look outside yourself for love it will fail and end up hurting you.  It will end up hurting you not because it has the power to hurt you but because you have given it the power to hurt you. You have made the proclamation to yourself that you need ____________(fill in the blank with your perceived need or desire) and that is what follows. “I need your attention to be happy”. “I need you to desire me to feel love”. “I need you to be calm for me to be at peace”.

 

What you are looking for in your partner you already have.  You have just, for a brief moment in time, forgotten. Welcome what is and your light will shine on all you see.

 

“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”

– Rumi

 

Working On Internal Peace to Experience External Peace.

AYP1224744In this entry I will not be telling anything you don’t already know.  Think of this entry not as something novel but as a reminder of the obviousness that is all around us. We can witness evidence of the following commentary in our every experience.

 

It is your direct experience that you must listen to, not the writing. Wait for the message to ring true for you. If it does not resonate with you, move away without judging the encounter.

 

 

I do not respond to anything directly, but rather to my interpretation of the event. Many people tend to understand this statement on a general surface level but where most stop is the application of it.  We tend to forget the meaning of this statement when we encounter something that triggers an emotional charge for us. When we are experiencing the event, it appears that what is causing us trouble is outside of us.  In truth, it is our own filter that effects how we see something.

 

We then use our interpretation of the event to justify our response to the event. When one truly understands that they do not respond to anything directly but to their interpretation of it, they will understand that what is causing them trouble is not outside of them.  This can be liberating for many people because at this point they stop trying to control other people to find peace.

 

 

The interpretation of an event is always coming from me, therefore the grievance I perceive is coming from me.

 

The next step involves looking at where I am hoping to influence change. Most of us get caught up in the old pattern of trying to change another’s behavior so that you feel better.

 

Listen to me more so I feel different.

Desire me so I feel different.

Stand up for me more so I feel different.

Start helping with the housework more so I feel different.

Dress sexier so I feel different.

Don’t yell at me so I feel different.

 

There is a pattern here. The only reason we ever want people to be different is so that we feel different. There is a problem in this thinking. 1) I have no control over another person. 2) Refer back to the statement “I do not respond to anything directly but to my interpretation of it”. The problem is not in the other person it is in your perception of that other person.

 

For some this way of thinking is very frustrating. “Are you telling me that my partner does not have to listen to me or show me respect?!?!?”,  is a comment some will retaliate with. When I hear this retort I know that they have not yet comprehended what I am attempting to communicate.

 

We often will not interpret a situation correctly because we are looking through an old filter. Instead of seeing what is in front of us we look for evidence that supports a belief we already have.

 

If I have a belief that I am unlovable I will be seeing the world through this filter and look for evidence to support this belief. A lot of time we will be completely unaware of our internal beliefs. If someone were to say to you, “You have the belief that you are unlovable”, you’d might say, “You’re nuts”.

 

We have a difficult time seeing what beliefs are influencing us because they are so engrained. It’s like noticing the air, or a fish noticing water.

 

We see our unconscious belief by the way we interpret our external world. You can always tell how a person feels about themselves by how they talk/feel about others. 

 

We color our world by our internal beliefs. Everything in this world that happens is a fact, it does turn good, bad, happy, sad until it goes through my own filter of interpretation. Here is an example of what I mean:

 

Fact: You tell your husband about an event that is important to you. Your husband does not look up from his newspaper or respond to what you just said.

 

Event seen through one filter: He never listens. He is rude for not listening to something that is important to me.  I don’t understand why I bother to share important things with him.

 

Same event seen through a different filter:  He does not appear to be listening to me.  He might need this time to decompress. Him not listening to me is not a personal attack.

 

The way we interpret an event has everything to do with what is going on in our internal world. I am not saying that it isn’t great to have a partner who listens, is supportive, and helps. What I am saying is that we often will base our emotional stability on something that we have no control over, another’s behavior. Additionally, what I am saying is that your happiness is not dependent on the other person being different.

 

 

Cleaning off our emotional filters is key. We begin to do this when we begin to see what is happening and how we are pulling into our old belief system time and time again.

 

You can begin to clean out old emotional baggage when you start to see that you are not responding to the event, but your interpretation of the event. Then, when you forgive the person for what they are not actually doing. What I mean by this is, what is causing you difficulty is not their behavior but your own filter.

 

They might tell you they just cheated on you with your best friend, but even in this situation what is giving you trouble is your interpretation of the event. This does not necessarily mean that you stay in any situation. What it does mean is that your emotional wellbeing can stay intact regardless of what appears to be going on outside of you.

 

 

When you see the innocence in another you are reminded of your own innocence.  When you are reminded of your own innocence you will remind yourself of your true nature, which is whole, complete and infinitely lovable. When you remember your true nature you will not fear what you perceive going on outside of you.

 

Wisdom From The Flower: What can nature teach you about your marriage:

“Does a flower, full of beauty, light and loveliness say, ‘I am giving, helping, serving?’ It is! And because it is not trying to do anything it covers the earth.”  -Krishnamurti

 

What can nature teach you about your marriage:Living a fully present life we can be reminded of great wisdom in the simplest of things. From a hurried glance one might see nothing but a bunch of flowers that seem to be everywhere.  But from pure observation, looking with out the looker or our preconceived ideas superimposed, one is presented with an entirely new experience.

 

Flowers are not being radiant for anyone. They are simply radiant. They share their beauty and light with everyone indiscriminately. They do not need recognition for their natural state of loveliness. They are not swayed by popular opinions of their worth. They allow every compliment and grievance to pass through them with equal merit.

 

What can we learn from the flower? How can the flower’s lesson have a positive effect on your well being?   The lesson of the flower is that of “giving without a giver”. It shares it’s radiance freely and not needing a return on its investment, because it is simply being its natural self, it is not weighted down by keeping track of what it is owed.

 

It can be difficult for some people to believe that their natural state is open, free, endless loving, deeply peaceful. When in doubt, go on your direct experience. When do you feel most natural? When you say, ‘I feel like myself’ are you describing a time when your felt uptight, closed off, angry and discombobulated? Probably not.

 

2951538Your natural state is open, free, endlessly loving, deeply peaceful. You are whole and complete. Our only problem starts to come up when we forget this and we think that our wholeness lies in someone else. Mainly we are “loving” with the hope of getting something out of it.

 

Usually what we want back is sex, affection, someone to listen, security, a thank you, someone to see us a certain way or a number of other things we want from others. This is how we turn our relationship into a business relationship. I’ll do something for you if you give me something in return. And since we have no control over the other person, you are in a losing battle that leaves you bitter and cut off from your natural radiance.

 

Before you give anything or do anything think to yourself if you are alright with any possible outcome. If you are not ok with every outcome its a good sign that you are giving with the intention of trying to control the other person’s response. Give freely, or not at all.

 

When I share this with people they become nervous that they will have to give up something they value in their relationship. They are afraid that if they do not keep tabs on whether or not they are getting back what is owed to them it will not happen. What ends up happening is something that feels amazing.

 

You begin to experience openness, freedom, love, and peace without the other person doing anything in return. You can be sure you are giving something freely when the gift for you is in the giving.

 

Think of a pet or child that you cherish. Have you ever found something that you were sure they were going to love? You make your purchase of this object, treat or toy and head off to give it to them. You can feel your excitement building with the thought of sharing what you have found with them. When you give it to them you have the feeling of being overjoyed.

 

Now, we have all gone through situations where the dog or child does not want the gift. We don’t scold them for not wanting it. We have all experienced those times when it doesn’t even matter if they like it or not. This is what is meant by the statement “the gift is in the giving”.

 

Let your light shine, give it freely, for the same light that shines on others shines on you.

 

A Fresh Start

fresh start for the year

For so many people the beginning of a new year signifies a chances to get things started on new footing. We make promises to ourselves with the hopes of creating meaningful change in our lives.

 

“I will eat healthier. Make better decisions involving finances. No more 80 hour work weeks. I will call my family more. Spend time with friends.”

 

 

These resolutions can all have a great impact on one’s emotional and/or physical wellbeing. They can serve as useful tools in helping one to evaluate what is important in their life at this moment. There is something that is very appealing about new beginnings. They offer us a sense of liberation from the past.

 

We overlook the ability we have to be free from the past at any moment in time. More accurately, it could be said that we forgo the sense of peace and happiness when we are free from the past because it is more important for us to be “right”.

 

When we hang on to past thoughts about a person or situation that cause us a great deal of stress, we are doing it because in our version of the story we are “right” and that other person is wrong, we are the innocent one and they are the bad guy.

 

For every person we make into the bad guy we must play the victim by default. Short sightedly, we might enjoy making the other person the scoundrel because for a brief moment we get to be the good guy but this high will only last a short time. What we are left with is our version of a story that makes us very upset and physically uncomfortable.

 

We don’t like the effects that judging another has on us. But as always, go on your direct experience. Do you feel better when you see your boss/wife/husband/brother/mother/dog/whomever as a scoundrel or do you feel better (long term) when you see them as innocent?

 

A simple question to ask to clear this up is, “Do I feel better thinking about an innocent person or a guilty “no-good-nick” up to his shenanigans?”

 

 

We construct our own past and future in our minds and continue to replay the events according to our own interpretation. From this logic one could argue that we are never upset for the reasons we think we are but rather from the way we think things are. It is our thinking that makes things “good”, “bad”, “happy”, or “sad”.

 

The thoughts we came up with we are now projecting on another and creating our own personal hell. Freedom from these taxing thoughts would be a relief, but it will take giving up something that you may not want to give up: your need to be “right”.

 

We like fresh starts. We like interacting with people when they have a clean slate. How would you interact with someone differently if you did not judge them by your interpretation of their past?

 

 

 

A simple exercise.

Think about a person who appears to be causing you a great deal of pain, annoyance, discomfort. Think about your description of why this person is causing you so much trouble.  You can be specific. Is there another way to see that situation? How do you thing it might look from their side?

 

Where would you be with out your memory of this person you are having trouble with? How would your interaction with this person change if every time you encountered this person you had no memory of their past transgressions?