- A Course in Miracles (The Problem and the Answer)

There once lived 4 blind men who went to visit an elephant. They were all very curious about what exactly an elephant was. They had heard people talk about elephants many times but being blind from birth they had never seen one with their own eyes.

This day was very special for all of them because they would have the opportunity to explore an elephant with their hands and finally discover what it was people were talking about.

The first blind man grabbed the elephant’s ear. He felt how it flapped around and was large and flat like the sail on a ship. Oh… this is what an elephant is. An elephant is similar to the sail of a ship.

The second blind man approached the elephant’s leg and began his examination. He felt the massive girth of its leg. Oh…this is what an elephant is. An elephant is like a tree.

The third blind man came close to the elephant and grad a hold of its rough tail. He lifted that tail and felt the fibrous hair. Oh… this is what an elephant is. An elephant is like a rope.

The fourth man had his turn to meet the elephant. He approached the elephant’s face and grabbed his heavy, malleable trunk. Oh… he thought this is what an elephant is. An elephant is similar to a rolled up cotton rug that can grab objects.

All four men walked away from the elephant satisfied that he finally knew what an elephant was. They had not gone very far before they began to discuss their experience.

“Who would have thought an elephant was like a rope?” asked the third blind man.

“It most certainly is not like a rope,” argued the other 3 blind men.

“It is like a tree”, remarked the second blind man.

“No, not even close. It is similar to a sail on a ship,” rebutted the first blind man

“How could you even think that, when it is obvious that is comes closest to a large coarse rope?” added the third.

The blind men fought amongst themselves for quite sometime until they stopped at a tavern for dinner. They made the decision to ask the keeper of the tavern who was right. Was the elephant like a sail, a tree, a rope or a rolled up cotton rug?

The tavern keeper laughed, “You silly men. None of you are correct but neither are any of you fully wrong. You have all described parts of the elephant that make up the whole. All parts are equally important to the whole elephant but none, by itself, is the whole truth of what an elephant is.”

I really like this story (obviously, or I wouldn’t have shared it). It’s a helpful reminder to me when I feel an exceeding amount of self-righteousness brewing in me or when I don’t like (or agree with) something my partner is doing or saying.

It can be challenging to let go of the belief that we have the whole story and are fully capable of passing judgment on another. But in truth, we never have the whole story and we pass judgement based on only partial information.

“She is so selfish, she should be spending more time with my family.”

“He only thinks of himself.”

“They never want to have sex with me, that’s not what a good partner does.”

“I would never hurt them the way they hurt me.”

Do any of the above sound familiar? If you haven’t heard yourself say or think these or something similar to these at least once in your life you may want to check for a pulse or denial.

Usually we try to blame others to get ourselves in a better place.  The thinking goes, if I can make them wrong, by default I am the innocent one. We bring others down so we can temporarily feel slightly superior.  But, we don’t always think it through all the way.

When we choose to see the other as wrong, the bitch, the scoundrel, it has its effect on us. It leaves us feeling like a victim.  When we choose to see them as an individual who is doing the best they can with the resources they have we can begin to see their innocence.

Would you rather be with an innocent being or a no good scoundrel? Whatever you are looking for in your partner you are guaranteed to find it. This by no means means that you need to put up with unconscious behavior.  The best thing to do may be to leave, but you have a choice in how you see the person you are leaving.

Too often are we presented with circumstances in our relationships that bring about discouragement, disgust, and irritation. The quote offers a perspective on the importance of fidelity in times of trouble.

If you enjoy the quote I encourage you to explore some more of Berry’s work. I have included a link below from the website where I copied the quote.

“What marriage offers – and what fidelity is meant to protect – is the possibility of moments when what we have chosen and what we desire are the same. Such a convergence obviously cannot be continuous. No relationship can continue very long at its highest emotional pitch. But fidelity prepares us for the return of these moments, which give us the highest joy we can know; that of union, communion, atonement (in the root sense of at-one-ment)…
To forsake all others does not mean – because it cannot mean – to ignore or neglect all others, to hide or be hidden from all others, or to desire or love no others. To live in marriage is a responsible way to live in sexuality, as to live in a household is a responsible way to live in the world. One cannot enact or fulfill one’s love for womankind or mankind, or even for all the women or men to whom one is attracted. If one is to have the power and delight of one’s sexuality, then the generality of instinct must be resolved in a responsible relationship to a particular person. Similarly, one cannot live in the world; that is, one cannot become, in the easy, generalizing sense with which the phrase is commonly used, a “world citizen.” There can be no such think as a “global village.” No matter how much one may love the world as a whole, one can live fully in it only by living responsibly in some small part of it. Where we live and who we live there with define the terms of our relationship to the world and to humanity. We thus come again to the paradox that one can become whole only by the responsible acceptance of one’s partiality.
(pg.117-118, “The Body and the Earth”)”

― Wendell Berry, The Art of the Commonplace: The Agrarian Essays

My teacher once told me that we create the atmosphere around us. This advice came to me during a time when I was living with a roommate who was driving me crazy. This roommate was going through a very difficult time, was very depressed and was affecting the whole house, or so I thought.

At the time I was given this advice, “You create your own atmosphere”, I wanted so desperately to ignore it and tell this brilliant man whom I loved and respected that he must be mistaken. If he only saw what I was going through he would surely change his tune and see that I couldn’t possibly be responsible for the atmosphere in my home.

It hit a nerve with me and like most things that hit a nerve with me I had to let it sink in at my own pace. I ended up leaving the house not too long after I was given this advice. At the time I left it had not quite developed into a useful tool.

Looking back I am beginning to understand what he meant. People around me are always going to act how they will act. Sometimes I’ll deem their behavior as alright and other times it will be deemed boorish. What they do I can’t control but I can control how I interpret it.

Taking a closer look at the atmosphere I am responsible for….

Imagine (or pretend) that there is a giant bubble around you at all times.  You can’t get out of this bubble and no one can come into the bubble. It’s kind of like rolling around in a giant hamster ball.  This hamster ball is your atmosphere.

Everything that is in your hamster ball is coming from you. If you pass gas in your hamster ball this stink is from you. If you have mud on your shoes and it gets on the sides of the hamster ball it is your mud from your feet. This hamster ball is a lot like your atmosphere that you create, but instead of gas and mud in the ball what affects our atmosphere is more emotional and behavioral.

Consider now that you have this imaginary hamster ball around you and what you put into it you end up experiencing.

Let’s say something happens and you react in a disrespectful manner.  Disrespect is now in your hamster ball.

If you are unloving, that is now also in your hamster ball.

If you judge another for what you thinking they are doing, that is now in your hamster ball.

If you are angry and attack another, that is now in your hamster ball.

In this way we create the atmosphere around us. If you are walking around in this hamster ball that is filled with disrespect, judgments, unloving actions and anger how do you think you will interpret others around you?  We oftentimes mistake others around us for the junk we put into our hamster balls (or atmosphere).

What if instead of polluting our hamster ball or atmosphere with junk we don’t want in our life, we started to put in what we wanted?

If you want to experience respect, give it.  It will be something you add to your atmosphere.

If you want others to stop judging you, notice when you judge another and see their innocence. There is a correlation between the judgment we feel and the judgment we offer.  When you’re gentle with others you experience this gentleness.

If you want others to see that you are doing the best you can, start seeing it in others. Kindness will enter your atmosphere and begin to fill it.

If you want to experience forgiveness, offer it. The freedom forgiveness offers will be added to your hamster ball.

In all these ways and many more we affect our atmosphere or emotional well-being. What does your atmosphere (or hamster ball look like)?

I am beginning to understand the advice that was given to me years ago, “You create your own environment”.  Looking back at my living situation with my depressed roommate I can see how my judgments and criticism were effecting how I felt. I can see how I was polluting my own atmosphere.

This doesn’t mean that we have to stay in unhealthy environments.  Your motivation to leave a relationship can come from love or fear.  The manner in which we choose to exit has the biggest effect on what we are putting into our atmosphere.

“Understand that you do not respond to anything directly, but to your interpretation of it. Your interpretation thus becomes the justification for the response.” ACIM, Chapter 12, paragraph 1

I enjoy reading “A Course in Miracles” because it always seems to give me a different way of interpreting things in my life. Lately, I feel as if I have needed assistance in the way I view things. So, when I came across this chapter it really hit a chord with me. It helps me put my recent obstacle (or lesson I am learning) into perspective.

On a recent trip to Thailand I noticed something about myself that surprised me a little more than I expected.  For quite some time before the Thailand trip I had been living in sattva (or in other words a state of balance, peace and steadiness).  I was taking life as it came, welcoming what is, and letting whatever happened occur without judgment.

It happened in Thailand. Or I noticed it in Thailand may be a more accurate statement. I started to notice how judgmental I was.

My judgments were rarely vocalized to the people I was condemning but never the less they were still there.  The target of most of my castigations would probably be one of my best friends with whom I was exploring Thailand.

Looking back I can logically say that my friend was not doing anything “wrong” accept not living up to my expectations of how they should perform. Things that would annoy me would be minor things:

*not paying attention to time and being late,

*not wearing sun sunscreen and getting burned after I informed them that the sun was different in Thailand and they should be careful

*after being burned using up my sunscreen that cost a small fortune at the beach of Ao Nang where I purchased it

*and other minor annoyances that really didn’t matter.

My friend with whom I was traveling is one of my dearest friends. We’ve known each other for many years (over a decade).  Our relationship has grown through many phases.  This individual and I are very close and yet, even with our strong bound, I have not grown past the fact that this friend can push my buttons very quickly. But isn’t that the case with our closest relationships?

Ram Dass said, “If you think you’re enlightened go spend a week with your family”.   His words are both humorous and make a good point. The people who are closest in our lives, the individuals with whom we have the most history, have the greatest ability of showing us where we are stuck. They act as a mirror, in a sense, that shows us we still have something covering our true divine nature.

When you look in the mirror and you see you have ketchup on your face it would be insane to get angry at the mirror. And yet, in our lives when situations present to us an opportunity to grow we get angry at the situation or person, all the time not realizing they are only the mirror.

When reading ACIM I came across this quote that I felt was directly related to the judgment I was experiencing:

“Understand that you do not respond to anything directly, but to your interpretation of it. Your interpretation thus becomes the justification for the response.” ACIM, Chapter 12, paragraph 1

The paragraph goes on to say:

“That is why analyzing the motives of others is hazardous to you. If you decide that someone is really trying to attack you or desert you or enslave you, you will respond as if he had actually done so, having made his error real to you. To interpret error is to give it power, and having done this you will overlook truth.”

Whatever we look for in another we will find. If you think a person is an idiot, you will find evidence for this. If think a person is funny you will find evidence for this. If you think this person is doing the best the best they can and is innocent you will see this.  In this way we have the power to create the environment in which we reside.

You don’t have to go very for to hear someone giving his or her opinion on respect. Some will say that respect is something that is earned; that so-and-so has not earned our respect so we will happily keep it to ourselves.  “No respect for you”- soup Nazi style.

We hear people say they demand another’s respect. I often wonder how this works exactly. Is it that they force the other’s respect through threats, muscle or might. Does this demand of respect add up to something like “Respect me or I’ll tell on you” or “Respect me or you’ll be sorry”?

Indeed the demand of respect doesn’t sound that respectful when it is couched in such terms.

I, for one, think respect is very important to our lives. But I don’t think respect is something that should be earned or demanded.

That doesn’t mean we need to put up with unconscious behavior.  There are times it is best to move away from destructive behavior, but we can still do it in a matter that respects the other individual.

What does it mean to respect?     

 For those of you reading this who know me you already know how I feel about religion.  I welcome religion, all religion for that matter, but do not prescribe to one specific one myself. If anything I love the philosophy behind religions.

I have heard it said that religion and psychology, in their finest condition, meet.  I believe there may be some truth to this.  I say all this as a preface to what I am about to say about respect.

When we look at the word respect and break it down it means re-“again”, and spect-“look” put it together and we have “to look again”.

This is where some people say big whoop- I know this from grade school. It’s also where some people say “Right! And if they want me to look again (or respect them) they had sure better earn it”.

This is where I have a slightly different view on respect. When we look again we are looking to see something we have missed before with our superficial glance.

When we look again we are looking through the surface level.

Some might say we are looking to see the divine in that individual. Some might say you are looking again to see that person in a different light. Other may say our second look is done to see that person’s side of the story- to see them as innocent.

The view I like is that respect means we look again to see the divine in another.  Some religions teach that when we begin to recognize the Divine in another we begin to see it in ourselves. This is one of the reasons I like this explanation of respect so much.

When we begin to look for the innocence in another we begin to see it in ourselves.  When we learn to treat others with genuine loving kindness we begin to offer ourselves that same.

When we begin to understand that respecting others is actually for our own benefit we are more open to the experience.

This is way we are better off not living from the viewpoint that respect must be earned. When we live like this we end up selling ourselves short.

So know I know why it helps be to respect others- what can I do to start getting other’s respect?

Whatever you feel that your relationship is lacking, start giving it.

If you don’t feel like you are getting enough respect- start giving respect.

If you don’t feel like people are listening to your ideas- start listening to their ideas.

If you feel like people judge you too harshly, begin to look at how you are judging others.

Think about the times when you have been disrespectful to another person. (And if you are saying right now that you have never been disrespectful to another than I am going to call B***S*** on you. But denial is a tool we use until we don’t need it anymore so that is still ok.)

Think about that time when you have been disrespectful to another, maybe because you felt they deserved it, or may be just because you were having a bad day.

Are you there thinking about it?…Good.

What happened when you were disrespectful to them? Did they react in a way that caused the situation to get worse fast? Did communication stop? Did they walk away?

There may be a chance that that person was disrespectful right back and it may not have been to your face. Perhaps they were very respectful.

Consider that other person was not respectful, what would have happened if they responded with respect. Would you be more or less likely to show them respect? Typically people would answer they are more likely to show another respect when they think they are getting it.

So this is how you begin to get more respect in your relationships- start giving it.

Whatever you feel like you are lacking begin giving it- BUT YOU HAVE TO GIVE IT FREELY.   Stop keeping tabs on how much you are giving to others.

Do you like it when people give you something just because they want something in return? I know I don’t but I know that sometimes I can get caught in this trap of giving to get something.

If you are giving to get something- take note but don’t punish yourself. Sometimes it helps to remember you are a Divine being and a Divine being doesn’t deserve judgment.

If your not comfortable with the word Divine that’s all right find another word that you are comfortable with.

I would like to your thoughts

Should respect be earned or given unconditionally?

What is some advice involving respect that you have found helpful?

Should we strive to see the Divine (or good) in everyone?

Are there those you feel do not deserve respect?

Sometimes I will seek out the advice of a friend I know will agree with me just to agree. Other times I will go to my friend who will have my back but let me know I am being silly.  When I am ready to really own up to the part I played in the mistake I always have that friend who seems to be the best help.

This whole dynamic has got me thinking, what is it that makes some advice better than others? What is it that separates the sound judgment from the rest? How can one begin to give sound advice when friends are looking for it?

Guide Lines (to consider) if you would like to offer sound advice. 

 Passive Active Listening

My partner playfully calls this being a “pal” (P.A.L). It offers a good way of remembering the words.

Most people I talked to protest that they are great listeners. In fact most of us will probably say we are good listeners. There is no shortage of people who think they listening well. But finding someone who listens well is another challenge not so easily met.

In passive active listening there is no room for your own thoughts or judgments on what the person is saying. If you have a thought in your head you are not listening. If you are thinking about what you are going to say when the person stops talking, you are not listening.

In listening your sole function is to listen. You are listening to more than just the words. You are listening to the tone of their voice.

When you hear something you react to and feel you need to defend, in p.a.l. you let it go and go back to listening.

Don’t give advice to sound smart or to be the helper. 

If you are attached to your role of being the smart person who has all the answers it will stand in the way of helping the other person.

If you need to be the helper, by default, you need to be able to help someone.  If you define yourself by being a helper you will always need someone who is worse of than you so that you can help them.  When you define yourself by this role of being the helper you can begin to keep people stuck in their situation so that you can remain the hero.

When giving advice let go of your need to look smart or to look like the person who has all the answers.

Encourage the person to look at the larger picture

Friends and clients have asked me if they think that a particular behavior is a wise decision. Sometimes, if the person is hurt, they are looking for revenge.

They may want to make the other person “sorry” for what they did by choosing to act in a way that may be hurtful. When we’re hurt often times our first defense it to hurt another person.

The questions I try to remember to ask is “What do you really want?” and “Is this behavior going to get you what you want in the long run?”

Sometimes a person will be hurt and they will talk about getting back at their wife by cheating on her or filing for divorce. When you ask the question “What do I really want out of this?” they start to realize what they really want is to stop hurting and to have a healthy relationship with their partner.

When they ask the second question, “Will this get me what I am really looking for?” it helps them process the situation on their own.

People are allowed to feel what they are feeling. 

Sometimes our friends are angry and hurt and they are not ready to come out of it. Sometimes people want to have the space to experience their emotions.

Don’t try to cheer your friend up.  Listen to what they have to say. Listen for the emotion that they are experiencing. Reflect the emotion back to them to let them know that you are listening.

Example: Your friend says, “I can’t believe my boss would give the promotion to Tom. I am more qualified and have been with the company longer. I am so angry I could scream”.

Bad thing to say to your friend: “Just cheer up it will look better next week and their might be something better around to corner for you.”

Better response for your friend: “I can see how you would feel marginalized and overlooked by your boss’s decision. It can really leave you feeling discourage about your career choices.”  or “I can see that you are_____________ (fill in the blank with the emotions you think you hear them expressing).

Give them space to make their own decisions. 

No matter how well we think we know our friends and family member we will never have all the pieces to fully understand how they tick. They may not make the same choices we would make and that is ok.

We might never know why our beautiful, bright girlfriend stays with the lazy slob that bosses her around. We may not grasp why someone keeps making the same mistake over and over again.  You don’t have to fully understand the other person’s reasoning.

It’s best to not tell people how to live their lives, unless they ask. 

The illusion that the strong defend themselves against slander and acts is something that numerous individuals will not question. From a young age we are taught that we must stand up for ourselves or we will be a “baby”, a “weakling”.  What we don’t think about is that those who feel weak are the ones who are often compelled to defend.

Why defending oneself is a sign that one feels weak.

What would happen if you were spending a leisurely afternoon sunning yourself on your porch when all of the sudden a herd of wild butterflies swarmed in?  There are hundreds of these butterflies fluttering around you attacking you from all sides. Some are using their wings to “pelt” you, others are walking up and down your arm using all their might to “stomp you out”. Some have gone to the extreme of taking their nectar sucking tongues to “lick you to death”.

Considering you don’t suffer from Lepidopterophobia (the fear of butterflies) you would most likely have no reaction to a “herd of wild butterflies”.  You would feel no need to get up and defend yourself. You may eventually walk away because you do not want to be bothered by them anymore but you would not feel the need to defend yourself.  Why is this?

People and animals only feel the need to defend themselves when they feel frightened. If you see something or someone as a threat you will feel the need to take up a defense.

If someone is gossiping about you or your partner is saying hurtful things about you, you may feel the need to defend yourself. Which brings us to the next point…

You do not need to defend the truth. 

The truth needs no defense, it can take care of itself. The truth will always stand on it’s own. The truth can handle people who are misinformed without being affected.

Do you need to defend the fact that light travels faster than sound? No, one can look at lighting and thunder to see that this is true. When we hear someone say something about us that is not true our first inclination may be to set the record straight, to fight fire with fire.  Fighting fire with fire only makes more fire, it will not give you the peace you are looking for.

When you feel your identity being threatened by another take a moment to  rest in the feeling of diminishment. Don’t get caught in your sad story, stay with the feeling not the thought. When your identity of who you are is diminished your natural Self has an opportunity to shine through.

By becoming less, so to speak, you begin to experience more. Your higher self is revealed.

If I don’t defend myself won’t I become a pushover?

No longer being defensive or taking things personally doesn’t mean you become a pushover. No longer feeling the need to defend oneself does not mean you are all of the sudden the world’s largest doormat. There may be times when you find you need to walk away from unconscious behavior. You don’t need to be anyone’s emotional punching bag.  There are numerous situations where we do need to walk away.

Many people become pushovers because they choose this for themselves. When we say “yes” when we want to say “no” we are actually trying to manipulate another individual. We are trying to manipulate what they think of us. How many times have you said “yes” because you don’t want someone to be mad at you or you want that person to think of you in a certain way? This is manipulation and a way we try to control others.

What do I do instead of defending myself?

We are never upset for the reasons we think we are. You are never upset because someone is calling you a name or doing something nefarious.  You are upset by another’s behavior because it triggers a fear you believe about yourself. You can read more about this in the post “Can Someone Really Make You Feel Bad?: How responsible are you for your own feelings?”.

When people say something you have an emotional reaction to they are showing you various beliefs you still think about yourself. In this way people who upset us or rub us the wrong way act as mirrors. Just like looking in a mirror at home, what we see in the mirror cannot be changed by altering the mirror. When we change what we see in the reflection also changes with it.

To let go of the fearful belief we have of ourselves that is triggered by another what we need to do is look in the mirror (the other person), and offer forgiveness. It looks like we are offering them forgiveness but what we are really doing is letting go of the fear we have in ourselves. We release ourselves from the trigger and we experience peace.

The above quote is one I refer to often when working with people. The problem is never coming from the other person, but we continuously give away our power by putting the responsibility on someone else.

It is difficult to believe that the pain we can feel when interacting with another person is actually coming from us, but it is. It doesn’t matter what the action, if you feel an emotional reaction to it, know that it comes from you.  Let’s do a short exercise just for the sake of clearing up this point.

For a minute, imagine the last person you became upset with. Got them in your head? Now, imagine that you are in an altercation with this person and they call you a “purple unicorn”.

They keep calling you a “purple unicorn” over and over again. Would it upset you being called a “purple unicorn”? My guess would be no. I have yet to run into a person who says being called a ‘purple unicorn’ feels damaging in some way.

Most people admit they would think that the other person was crazy because they know they are not a purple unicorn. I imagine you would say something close to that.  In this example of another person calling you a “purple unicorn” you can see that the behavior is clearly about them.

Their actions are coming from them and it has no effect on you because you know you are not a “purple unicorn”.

But let’s change things around a bit. Let us change the name “purple unicorn” to something else. What if we changed it to “jerk”, “bitch”, “incompetent”, “selfish”, or any other name that gives us a little sting? Now we might be looking at a different story. We all have names we react to, but have you ever thought about why you react to them?

We react to “negative” things people say or do because it triggers a belief we already have about ourselves. “P.U. ” doesn’t affect you because you know you are not one, but other names do affect you because it is an idea we secretly harbor about ourselves.  People can only supply a stimulus; how we react to this stimulus reflects a lot about our belief system. 

Many people will respond by saying, “Well my partner doesn’t call me names. I am angry because he doesn’t do ______________(fill in the blank with what upsets you).

Some say they are upset because of the cheating, or lack of sex, or lack of attention.  One often times looks at their partner and quickly evaluates them on how well they are doing as a partner by whether or not they give that person want they think they want.  Very rarely does an individual take a second look and ask the important questions. Questions like: “Why do I believe I need my husband to listen to me (tell me I’m beautiful, tell me what a good job I’m doing, etc)?”, “Do I really need him to talk to me?”, “What would my day be like if I didn’t have the expectation that he should talk to me?”, Would I be happier without this thought?”.

When we refuse to take a deeper look we are left powerless and unhappy. We are letting our happiness ride on a factor we have no control over, someone else’s behavior.

If we begin to question, really question, why we think we need that other’s attention we can return to our only place of power- ourselves. Why do I need my partner to give me attention? If we truly look at this and want a real answer, we will get it.

Often times we don’t want a real answer. Often times we just want to be right. Many people answer angrily and says something like “because she’s my wife and she should be having sex with me 3 times a week”, or “I’m not crazy for wanting my husband to show me love” or fill in your choice answer that makes you look right.  Ask yourself, “Would I rather be right or would I rather be happy?”

When we truly want an answer to questions like “Why do I really need my partner’s attention?” we’ll start to get answers like: “Because I believe if someone doesn’t recognize my worth it’s not there”, or “I don’t feel lovable if someone does not show me attention”, or “I am putting my own desire for something over my partner’s desire to not do something. I am acting out of fear of not having enough and not from a place of love”.

It can seem impossible at times when we are hurt to start asking these questions with the hopes to get real answers. It is tempting to make ourselves “right”. When we are upset we feel like this is our only option if we want to heal. But being “right” rarely helps anyone. After the short-lived high wears off we are usually left with an uneasy feeling of isolation.

When we get stuck we’ll often seek out the advice of a trusted friend, respected clergyman, a family member or even (if times get really tough) we’ll seek out the help of a therapist. Sometimes the advice of others can leave us feeling even more confused.

One party may tell us to stay and the other to go. What we hear may not line up with exactly with what we believe is the right answer. Even if the advice does seem to be solid it can still seem to be lacking a very important element….your support of the decision.

We can be reluctant to take good advice because there is a part of us that still resists it, but why?

Sometimes good advice can go against an idea or image we have of ourselves that we have become very attached to.  For instance, deciding to stay in an abusive relationship.

Our friend’s suggestion to leave a woman or man who is destructive may seen very logical to us but it may go against another belief we still hold very important or true. Such ideas could be, “I can’t support myself without them”, “I’ll never find someone else”, “I deserve the abuse I get”, “If this person gets their feelings hurt it means I am a bad person” and so on.

It’s often these beliefs that end up shaping our lives and if they are left unexamined they will influence the next relationship we encounter. This is one of the reasons people seem to find themselves in the same situation over and over again.

Our beliefs guide us to see what we want to see and to find situations that support them.  Change your beliefs and you will change your life situation.

I encourage you to look closely to examine your beliefs that influence your decisions. Challenge these beliefs. The beliefs that you have carried around so long, are they even true? When we begin to challenge our beliefs the false ones begin to dissolve under the light of truth.

In other words, when we question our beliefs we often discover that they are irrational. When we see how irrational they are it becomes more difficult to give them the same power they had over our lives.

In the mean time, cut yourself some slack. People often will come to therapy thinking they have to make an important decision that minute. They often times have felt they have had to make this decision immediately for quite sometime. Yes…funny logic when we really look at but who hasn’t been there.

It’s okay not to know.  If we could remember this it would make our decision making much easier. We put ourselves under great pressure believing, “I don’t know and I need to know”.  This is craziness. If you absolutely needed to know something don’t you think you would know it?

This is another thought we let go unquestioned. You’ve gone on not knowing for quite some time so obviously you don’t need to know.

What would happen if you took the pressure of needing to know off the decision-making? Would your anxiety decrease? Most people answer “yes” to this. Would you be better equipped to make an informed decision from a place of extreme anxiety or a place of lowered anxiety? Most people answer the later.

There are times we get so caught up in the possibility of making the wrong choice that it paralyzes us.  There are times that, after weighing out the pros and cons, we still feel no closer to the answer. We wonder, oh crap, now what?

I often encourage people who feel overwhelmed to take a break from the decision-making process. Sleep on it, go for a jog, walk away from the task of making a choice.

How many of us have experienced those times of just having the right answer come to us after we stop messing with it? Those times when a clear thought comes out of the blue and we know it is what we were looking for all along.

These moments of inspiration come in an instant. They are not forced and they seem to fit perfectly. The correct answer will come to you; the timing will be just as perfect as the answer.

Another thing to remember, no matter what path you choose it will always work out. It doesn’t always work out the way we think we want it to or think it should but it does always work out.

Before these women were old enough to legally purchase their own martini, they had a crippling fear that their life had ended simultaneously with the termination of their last relationship.

This fear of not getting married does not seem to be exclusive to women in their young 20′s. Whatever age group you fit into, most people have at least one friend who is worried that they may never meet the right person and settle down. You may be this frightened friend.

Dealing with the fear of never getting married.

The solution I offer people to help deal with the trepidation of not getting married is very powerful, however it is so simple that people often times write it off as something that will never work.  It is a solution that anyone can use for almost any problem they experience.

The greatest teacher I have ever had gave me this advice and at first I was skeptical. But time and time again, when used properly and with true conviction, it has worked without fail. The piece of advice I was given,

“It’s enough to notice”.

When I was first given this nugget of wisdom, I did what I have done with most of the great sutras that life offers me–I ignored it.  But my teacher being the great educator that he was kept coming back to the statement.

Each time he repeated the statement I absorbed a richer understanding of what he meant. Behind these simple words there was a deeper message that often times went unexplored.

Looking into the statement “It’s enough to notice”.

By implication, when we notice something there are a couple of things that happen. 1) We stop resisting or denying it is there. What we resist persists. We stop fighting whatever it is we think we need to struggle against.  2) We begin to look at the meaning behind our statements and begin to question if they are true.

In the case of being afraid that you may never get married-

1) Acknowledge what you are feeling. “I am experiencing sadness and depression”.  Welcome your feelings whatever they might be. When we try to resist something we spend more of our energy and attention trying to push it away. Welcome that sadness if it is what you are experiencing. What would happen to the sadness if you were no longer making it into the enemy?

2) Ask yourself the sponsoring thought behind these feelings. This is usually the most difficult part for people because they are afraid to admit that the real sponsoring thought might make them look bad. This is the part that most people are reluctant to enter into. They might come up with a superficial answer like-”I don’t know” or “I guess it’s just a dream of mine”.

Possible sponsoring thoughts behind the fear of not getting married:

“I believe my value is tied to whether or not someone else finds me desirable”

“I feel I have an expiration date and if I don’t get married before that time I will lose my chance”

“I am choosing to make my happiness dependent on an external factor ipso facto- if I don’t get married I can’t be happy”

“I am not as good as others if I do not get married”

“I need to get married to validate that I am lovable”

When you can get to the real sponsoring feeling you can then begin to question how factual it is.  When we hear most sponsoring thoughts they can seem silly.

When you bring in the light of consciousness the illusion will dissolve, the same way bringing light into a dark room gets rid of the dark.

Many people are don’t want to get rid of old thoughts. They have been living with the thought for so long it may be difficult to part with, no matter how much trouble the thought is giving you.

It’s important to remember, if you are unhappy you are getting something from the unhappiness. There is still a part of you that does not want to get rid of an old thought, an old “should”.  This is ok- don’t be hard on yourself for it.  You may not be ready to let go of an old fear. When you are ready to release it, it will leave you naturally and gently.

Dealing with a friend who is afraid of not getting married.

If you are not worried about getting married (because you’ve already jumped the broom or you have no burning desire) it’s not your place to judge the people who do have this as their sponsoring fear.  We all, at some point in time, have something we are afraid of.

I hear continuously, “I can’t understand why they would__________________(fill in the blank with your statement)”. Truth is, if you can’t understand something another person is feeling there is a very good chance you have never made that effort. May be you would not cry over (seemingly) spilled milk, but what is spilled milk for you is the end of the world to another and vice versa.

You might not be sad over not getting married, however, you do understand the feeling of sadness and what it is like to experience despair.   It’s not important that you would have different feelings in this exact circumstance- what is important is relating to the feeling and understanding your friend.