Mother- Son Incest
For most people the idea of a mother abusing her children, let alone sexually abusing her children, just doesn’t compute. But sadly, mothers do sexually abuse their children and even worse is that it often goes unnoticed or overlooked as harmful.
Many grown men who have been sexually abused by their mothers do not even label the episodes as abuse. There are various different emotions and thoughts that are common for a man who experienced abuse.
Common Characteristics of Mother- Son Incest Survivors
1) Mixed Emotions- When you are an outsider and you hear about sexual abuse that happened to a child the subject is black and white and there is a clear-cut answer to who is responsible- the adult. But for the child in the situations it is rarely so clearly defined.
Many children love their parents regardless of how they are treated. It is very difficult for some grown men to say that their mother sexually abused them because they still love her.
2) Shame- Many men feel ashamed that their mother had sex with them not just because of the act but because they felt sexually aroused by the act.
3) Many report being a “willing participant”- its not uncommon for a man to report that he believed himself to be a willing participant in the sexual act his mother had with him.
4) They don’t call it abuse- many grown men who experienced mother-son incest do not view the sexual encounter as abusive. They may not deny that it occurred but they will say that they were a willing participant.
5) Men have a difficult time telling anyone they were sexually abused by their mother (or anyone for that matter).
6) Denial- Men can deny that a sexual encounter was abuse for a number of various reasons. Some will use the excuse that there was no penile penetration so it can’t be abuse. Others will say that since they derived some sexual arousal from the interaction that it was not abuse.
7) They feel responsible for what happened- men are socialized to be the instigators of most sexual encounters. They are encouraged to like sex, to be the one in control of the sexual act
Examples of Most-Son Incestuous Behaviors Performed by Mother
(Found in Dr Hani Miletski’s book Mother-Son Incest: The Unthinkable Broken Taboo Persists)
-Forcing the boy to have sex with other people
-Using the boy for masturbation by rubbing him against her genitals
-Making him perform cunnilingus on her
-Masturbating in front of the son
-Performing fellatio on the boy
-Masturbating the son
-Having the son fondle and suck her breasts
-Inserting her fingers and other objects into the boy’s anus
-Coercing the son to be sexual with animals
-Intruding upon the adolescent son’s privacy in the shower
-Bathing the son until he is in his teens and cleaning his penis excessively
-Bathing together with the son
-Wiping the boy’s anus until he is old enough to go to school and giving him frequent enemas for no apparent reason
-Sleeping in the same bed and hugging the boy during the night
-Giving son sensual massages
-French Kissing the boy
-Excessive holding, kissing and caressing
-Exhibiting seductive behavior
-Leaving the bathroom door open on purpose
-Dressing and undressing in front of the boy
-Walking around naked or in a see-through negligee
-Having the son witness sexual activities with other men
-Showing son pornographic movies
-Photographing son for sexual purposes
-Ridiculing son’s sexual development, penis, or preferences
-Engaging in sexual talk with son or confiding to him about sexual issues
-Treating the boy as a female, for example, making him wear girls’ outfits and refusing to cut his hair
-Parentifying the son; making him feel responsible for the mother’s well being and emotional support
How Sexual Abuse Can Effect Grown Men.
The effects of sexual abuse differ case-by-case. Some men report no obvious implication from the abuse. They support their mother and have a deep relationship with her.
Other men can end up developing great feelings of rage toward their mothers and the people who knew about the abuse and let it go on. There are men who have trouble getting into long-term relationships because of unresolved feelings of confusion and anger.
There are many men who report having mixed emotions and feel as if they need to protect their mother while at the same time have the desire to process what went on in their past.
You will see some men, who still harbor shame about the events from their childhood abuse, create sexual fantasies in which they are in some shape or form being humiliated by their partner. I tend to see these fantasies change (or go away completely) as they begin to address the shame and guilt that they have carried with them for so long.