Tag Archives: Infidelity

Look For Loving In All The Wrong Places: Rekindling love in your marriage

Your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and find all the barriers that you have built against it. Love is your natural state. Your only problem lies in covering it up with cheap substitutes. Our need to be right, expectations of how we think something should be, judgments we project upon others all block our loving nature.


During the first stage of falling in love we get a glimpse of our loving nature. Take a minute to think of a time when you first fell in love. If one sits and puts themselves back at this time they will begin to experience a taste of love welling up.


When you first fall in love you experience this unspeakable feeling of joy, peace, life all tumbled together into one unit. This feeling permeates us and we begin to feel it in all aspects of our life. We aren’t just in love with the person we found but we are in love with squirrels, and plants and spoons, and coffee and anything else we come in contact with. We are in love with life itself.


Falling in love is wonderful and it feels so natural to us that we want to hang on to it desperately. What we fail to realize is that it is not coming from the other person. You will discover this when you take a good look at the situation.


When you are in love and have this amazing feeling do you only feel it when that person is present in the same room with you? Of course not. You could still feel it if they were in Timbuktu. The feeling is present when they are there and still present when they are not. This is the case for one simple reason. The feeling of love you feel is coming directly from you.


When you are open you shine and experience your own natural light. We experience this light in the form of what we call love. But when we think that what we are feeling is coming from the other person we become frightened and want to hang on to this feeling of love. We try to hang on to it by trying to control the other person in various ways.


We set up expectations in an attempt to get in touch with this feeling once again. You listen to me so I feel love. You desire me so that I feel this love. You notice me so I feel this love. You show me respect so I feel this love. Listening, desire, attention and respect are all great elements to have in a relationship but you do not need them to experience that love you are looking for.


No one can take their love away from you.  When you close off, hold resentments, judge others, have expectations of how a someone or a situation should be you end up cutting yourself off from your natural light.


When you look outside yourself for love it will fail and end up hurting you.  It will end up hurting you not because it has the power to hurt you but because you have given it the power to hurt you. You have made the proclamation to yourself that you need ____________(fill in the blank with your perceived need or desire) and that is what follows. “I need your attention to be happy”. “I need you to desire me to feel love”. “I need you to be calm for me to be at peace”.


What you are looking for in your partner you already have.  You have just, for a brief moment in time, forgotten. Welcome what is and your light will shine on all you see.


“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”

– Rumi


Working On Internal Peace to Experience External Peace.

AYP1224744In this entry I will not be telling anything you don’t already know.  Think of this entry not as something novel but as a reminder of the obviousness that is all around us. We can witness evidence of the following commentary in our every experience.


It is your direct experience that you must listen to, not the writing. Wait for the message to ring true for you. If it does not resonate with you, move away without judging the encounter.



I do not respond to anything directly, but rather to my interpretation of the event. Many people tend to understand this statement on a general surface level but where most stop is the application of it.  We tend to forget the meaning of this statement when we encounter something that triggers an emotional charge for us. When we are experiencing the event, it appears that what is causing us trouble is outside of us.  In truth, it is our own filter that effects how we see something.


We then use our interpretation of the event to justify our response to the event. When one truly understands that they do not respond to anything directly but to their interpretation of it, they will understand that what is causing them trouble is not outside of them.  This can be liberating for many people because at this point they stop trying to control other people to find peace.



The interpretation of an event is always coming from me, therefore the grievance I perceive is coming from me.


The next step involves looking at where I am hoping to influence change. Most of us get caught up in the old pattern of trying to change another’s behavior so that you feel better.


Listen to me more so I feel different.

Desire me so I feel different.

Stand up for me more so I feel different.

Start helping with the housework more so I feel different.

Dress sexier so I feel different.

Don’t yell at me so I feel different.


There is a pattern here. The only reason we ever want people to be different is so that we feel different. There is a problem in this thinking. 1) I have no control over another person. 2) Refer back to the statement “I do not respond to anything directly but to my interpretation of it”. The problem is not in the other person it is in your perception of that other person.


For some this way of thinking is very frustrating. “Are you telling me that my partner does not have to listen to me or show me respect?!?!?”,  is a comment some will retaliate with. When I hear this retort I know that they have not yet comprehended what I am attempting to communicate.


We often will not interpret a situation correctly because we are looking through an old filter. Instead of seeing what is in front of us we look for evidence that supports a belief we already have.


If I have a belief that I am unlovable I will be seeing the world through this filter and look for evidence to support this belief. A lot of time we will be completely unaware of our internal beliefs. If someone were to say to you, “You have the belief that you are unlovable”, you’d might say, “You’re nuts”.


We have a difficult time seeing what beliefs are influencing us because they are so engrained. It’s like noticing the air, or a fish noticing water.


We see our unconscious belief by the way we interpret our external world. You can always tell how a person feels about themselves by how they talk/feel about others. 


We color our world by our internal beliefs. Everything in this world that happens is a fact, it does turn good, bad, happy, sad until it goes through my own filter of interpretation. Here is an example of what I mean:


Fact: You tell your husband about an event that is important to you. Your husband does not look up from his newspaper or respond to what you just said.


Event seen through one filter: He never listens. He is rude for not listening to something that is important to me.  I don’t understand why I bother to share important things with him.


Same event seen through a different filter:  He does not appear to be listening to me.  He might need this time to decompress. Him not listening to me is not a personal attack.


The way we interpret an event has everything to do with what is going on in our internal world. I am not saying that it isn’t great to have a partner who listens, is supportive, and helps. What I am saying is that we often will base our emotional stability on something that we have no control over, another’s behavior. Additionally, what I am saying is that your happiness is not dependent on the other person being different.



Cleaning off our emotional filters is key. We begin to do this when we begin to see what is happening and how we are pulling into our old belief system time and time again.


You can begin to clean out old emotional baggage when you start to see that you are not responding to the event, but your interpretation of the event. Then, when you forgive the person for what they are not actually doing. What I mean by this is, what is causing you difficulty is not their behavior but your own filter.


They might tell you they just cheated on you with your best friend, but even in this situation what is giving you trouble is your interpretation of the event. This does not necessarily mean that you stay in any situation. What it does mean is that your emotional wellbeing can stay intact regardless of what appears to be going on outside of you.



When you see the innocence in another you are reminded of your own innocence.  When you are reminded of your own innocence you will remind yourself of your true nature, which is whole, complete and infinitely lovable. When you remember your true nature you will not fear what you perceive going on outside of you.


Not One Thought You Have Is Completely True: Opening to another possibility

“Not one thought you hold is wholly true. The recognition of this is your firm beginning.”finding happinesss

– A Course in Miracles (The Problem and the Answer)








There once lived 4 blind men who went to visit an elephant. They were all very curious about what exactly an elephant was. They had heard people talk about elephants many times but being blind from birth they had never seen one with their own eyes.


This day was very special for all of them because they would have the opportunity to explore an elephant with their hands and finally discover what it was people were talking about.


The first blind man grabbed the elephant’s ear. He felt how it flapped around and was large and flat like the sail on a ship. Oh… this is what an elephant is. An elephant is similar to the sail of a ship.


The second blind man approached the elephant’s leg and began his examination. He felt the massive girth of its leg. Oh…this is what an elephant is. An elephant is like a tree.


The third blind man came close to the elephant and grad a hold of its rough tail. He lifted that tail and felt the fibrous hair. Oh… this is what an elephant is. An elephant is like a rope.


The fourth man had his turn to meet the elephant. He approached the elephant’s face and grabbed his heavy, malleable trunk. Oh… he thought this is what an elephant is. An elephant is similar to a rolled up cotton rug that can grab objects.


All four men walked away from the elephant satisfied that he finally knew what an elephant was. They had not gone very far before they began to discuss their experience.


“Who would have thought an elephant was like a rope?” asked the third blind man.


“It most certainly is not like a rope,” argued the other 3 blind men.


“It is like a tree”, remarked the second blind man.


“No, not even close. It is similar to a sail on a ship,” rebutted the first blind man


“How could you even think that, when it is obvious that is comes closest to a large coarse rope?” added the third.


The blind men fought amongst themselves for quite sometime until they stopped at a tavern for dinner. They made the decision to ask the keeper of the tavern who was right. Was the elephant like a sail, a tree, a rope or a rolled up cotton rug?


The tavern keeper laughed, “You silly men. None of you are correct but neither are any of you fully wrong. You have all described parts of the elephant that make up the whole. All parts are equally important to the whole elephant but none, by itself, is the whole truth of what an elephant is.”


I really like this story (obviously, or I wouldn’t have shared it). It’s a helpful reminder to me when I feel an exceeding amount of self-righteousness brewing in me or when I don’t like (or agree with) something my partner is doing or saying.


It can be challenging to let go of the belief that we have the whole story and are fully capable of passing judgment on another. But in truth, we never have the whole story and we pass judgement based on only partial information.


“She is so selfish, she should be spending more time with my family.”

“He only thinks of himself.”

“They never want to have sex with me, that’s not what a good partner does.”

“I would never hurt them the way they hurt me.”


Do any of the above sound familiar? If you haven’t heard yourself say or think these or something similar to these at least once in your life you may want to check for a pulse or denial.


Usually we try to blame others to get ourselves in a better place.  The thinking goes, if I can make them wrong, by default I am the innocent one. We bring others down so we can temporarily feel slightly superior.  But, we don’t always think it through all the way.


When we choose to see the other as wrong, the bitch, the scoundrel, it has its effect on us. It leaves us feeling like a victim.  When we choose to see them as an individual who is doing the best they can with the resources they have we can begin to see their innocence.


Would you rather be with an innocent being or a no good scoundrel? Whatever you are looking for in your partner you are guaranteed to find it. This by no means means that you need to put up with unconscious behavior.  The best thing to do may be to leave, but you have a choice in how you see the person you are leaving.

Sex Addictions Are Not About Sex: The Truth about sexual addiction

Is sex addiction* really about sex? Is any addiction really about the element to which a particular person feels drawn? People can become drawn to anything, and they do, for that matter.


Oftentimes when treating a compulsion we look to eliminate the symptom without looking at the cause. We look to stop the drinking, gambling, shopping or pornography viewing. If we only work to stop the symptom without getting to the reason that it has presented itself in the first place the symptom will return but not always in it’s original form.


Without getting to the root of the issue we might witness someone giving up one addiction only to replace it with another.  Someone may be able to get rid to a cocaine habit only to replace it with sex.  Or you might see someone give up alcohol only to replace it with food or a rigid workout routine.


The key to treating addictions is to get to the root, the reason one feels the need to use in the first place.



Addiction and The Feeling of Emptiness

Everyone wants to feel at peace. Everyone wants to feel whole. Everyone wants to feel connected.  Everyone wants to feel a deep sense of happiness. When we are consumed by our thinking and emotions we can become cut off from this state of peace, happiness and joy and this sense of being cut off causes great fear.


We try to find this state of peace, happiness and joy through external things. We may try to find it in sex. We might use a relationship. We may turn to one of our roles, such as our role of “good mother” or “competent banker” or “ethical person”.  We may use alcohol to get back to this place of complete peace.


Many of these external things can give us a glimpse of what we are looking for but when we get to this temporary place of peace we can’t stay, so to speak, because we did not get there through the correct means. So when we sober up, the sexual act is complete, the honeymoon stage in a relationship is over or we lose the role that provided some relief we are then thrown back into the feeling of emptiness.


When we are back in this feeling of emptiness, we can begin to beat ourselves up for using sex or drugs to get to this nirvana we so desperately seek.  Now in this state of emptiness, compacted with punishing ourselves for a past behavior, we feel that we need a sense of peace and completeness more than ever.   So, we go back to using what ever we have come to use to get us to our temporary escape. And so the cycle continues.


If we look to only stop the behavior- the sex, the addiction to shopping, the draw to substance, gambling, or the pull to relationships, we are still left with this feeling of incompleteness. If one does not get to the root of why they feel incomplete they will find something else to fill the perceived void and thus trade one addiction for another.


Getting to the root of addiction

You are not your thoughts. You are not your emotions. You are not your roles. You are not your possessions. May people would agree with all of the previously mentioned statements. Most would intellectually be able to make sense of the statement “I am not my thoughts” but few actually know this to be true.


We believe many thoughts that come up in our heads without question. Various ideas that pop into our mind we buy and take as gospel.  Most of us fall into the trap of if I thought it, it must be true. But that’s just nuts!


If you thought you were a lobster would it make you a lobster?  Most people would answer “no” to this. But the moment the thought “I’m worthless” comes into our head we think it must be true.




If I’m not after the object of my addiction, what do I want?

What we are all in search of cannot be found in an object. We are all looking for that sense of completeness, that feeling of “Ahh, I’m finally home”.  If you pay close attention you’ll notice that whenever you acquire those new shoes you were after, that sex or relationship you were in search of, alcohol, a trip or whatever form the object takes, what you will see is that the moment you obtain the object you will feel happy only momentarily.



We often mistakenly think the feeling of happiness is coming from the object itself, say the shoes. But this is an illusion. The happiness we feel does not come from the shoes or any other object. It actually comes that moment we are desireless.


The very moment we obtain what we think we want there is a brief period of time when we experience that feeling of desirelessness.  In the moment we have no desire we can begin to experience happiness.


Happiness is the light that shines from you.  When you remove what blocks happiness, (i.e. desires, expectations, fear, just to name a few) it is free to shine. We can see it reflecting back at us, but it is always coming from us.


What we are really in search of is this feeling of completion but as long as we are looking for it in external experiences will believe that our happiness depends on something outside us.


*I do understand that at this point in time there is no official diagnosis call “sex addiction”.  However, for the purpose of this article I have used the term sex addiction to stand for sexually compulsive behavior.