Tag Archives: love

Look For Loving In All The Wrong Places: Rekindling love in your marriage

Your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and find all the barriers that you have built against it. Love is your natural state. Your only problem lies in covering it up with cheap substitutes. Our need to be right, expectations of how we think something should be, judgments we project upon others all block our loving nature.

 

During the first stage of falling in love we get a glimpse of our loving nature. Take a minute to think of a time when you first fell in love. If one sits and puts themselves back at this time they will begin to experience a taste of love welling up.

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When you first fall in love you experience this unspeakable feeling of joy, peace, life all tumbled together into one unit. This feeling permeates us and we begin to feel it in all aspects of our life. We aren’t just in love with the person we found but we are in love with squirrels, and plants and spoons, and coffee and anything else we come in contact with. We are in love with life itself.

 

Falling in love is wonderful and it feels so natural to us that we want to hang on to it desperately. What we fail to realize is that it is not coming from the other person. You will discover this when you take a good look at the situation.

 

When you are in love and have this amazing feeling do you only feel it when that person is present in the same room with you? Of course not. You could still feel it if they were in Timbuktu. The feeling is present when they are there and still present when they are not. This is the case for one simple reason. The feeling of love you feel is coming directly from you.

 

When you are open you shine and experience your own natural light. We experience this light in the form of what we call love. But when we think that what we are feeling is coming from the other person we become frightened and want to hang on to this feeling of love. We try to hang on to it by trying to control the other person in various ways.

 

We set up expectations in an attempt to get in touch with this feeling once again. You listen to me so I feel love. You desire me so that I feel this love. You notice me so I feel this love. You show me respect so I feel this love. Listening, desire, attention and respect are all great elements to have in a relationship but you do not need them to experience that love you are looking for.

 

No one can take their love away from you.  When you close off, hold resentments, judge others, have expectations of how a someone or a situation should be you end up cutting yourself off from your natural light.

 

When you look outside yourself for love it will fail and end up hurting you.  It will end up hurting you not because it has the power to hurt you but because you have given it the power to hurt you. You have made the proclamation to yourself that you need ____________(fill in the blank with your perceived need or desire) and that is what follows. “I need your attention to be happy”. “I need you to desire me to feel love”. “I need you to be calm for me to be at peace”.

 

What you are looking for in your partner you already have.  You have just, for a brief moment in time, forgotten. Welcome what is and your light will shine on all you see.

 

“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”

– Rumi

 

Working On Internal Peace to Experience External Peace.

AYP1224744In this entry I will not be telling anything you don’t already know.  Think of this entry not as something novel but as a reminder of the obviousness that is all around us. We can witness evidence of the following commentary in our every experience.

 

It is your direct experience that you must listen to, not the writing. Wait for the message to ring true for you. If it does not resonate with you, move away without judging the encounter.

 

 

I do not respond to anything directly, but rather to my interpretation of the event. Many people tend to understand this statement on a general surface level but where most stop is the application of it.  We tend to forget the meaning of this statement when we encounter something that triggers an emotional charge for us. When we are experiencing the event, it appears that what is causing us trouble is outside of us.  In truth, it is our own filter that effects how we see something.

 

We then use our interpretation of the event to justify our response to the event. When one truly understands that they do not respond to anything directly but to their interpretation of it, they will understand that what is causing them trouble is not outside of them.  This can be liberating for many people because at this point they stop trying to control other people to find peace.

 

 

The interpretation of an event is always coming from me, therefore the grievance I perceive is coming from me.

 

The next step involves looking at where I am hoping to influence change. Most of us get caught up in the old pattern of trying to change another’s behavior so that you feel better.

 

Listen to me more so I feel different.

Desire me so I feel different.

Stand up for me more so I feel different.

Start helping with the housework more so I feel different.

Dress sexier so I feel different.

Don’t yell at me so I feel different.

 

There is a pattern here. The only reason we ever want people to be different is so that we feel different. There is a problem in this thinking. 1) I have no control over another person. 2) Refer back to the statement “I do not respond to anything directly but to my interpretation of it”. The problem is not in the other person it is in your perception of that other person.

 

For some this way of thinking is very frustrating. “Are you telling me that my partner does not have to listen to me or show me respect?!?!?”,  is a comment some will retaliate with. When I hear this retort I know that they have not yet comprehended what I am attempting to communicate.

 

We often will not interpret a situation correctly because we are looking through an old filter. Instead of seeing what is in front of us we look for evidence that supports a belief we already have.

 

If I have a belief that I am unlovable I will be seeing the world through this filter and look for evidence to support this belief. A lot of time we will be completely unaware of our internal beliefs. If someone were to say to you, “You have the belief that you are unlovable”, you’d might say, “You’re nuts”.

 

We have a difficult time seeing what beliefs are influencing us because they are so engrained. It’s like noticing the air, or a fish noticing water.

 

We see our unconscious belief by the way we interpret our external world. You can always tell how a person feels about themselves by how they talk/feel about others. 

 

We color our world by our internal beliefs. Everything in this world that happens is a fact, it does turn good, bad, happy, sad until it goes through my own filter of interpretation. Here is an example of what I mean:

 

Fact: You tell your husband about an event that is important to you. Your husband does not look up from his newspaper or respond to what you just said.

 

Event seen through one filter: He never listens. He is rude for not listening to something that is important to me.  I don’t understand why I bother to share important things with him.

 

Same event seen through a different filter:  He does not appear to be listening to me.  He might need this time to decompress. Him not listening to me is not a personal attack.

 

The way we interpret an event has everything to do with what is going on in our internal world. I am not saying that it isn’t great to have a partner who listens, is supportive, and helps. What I am saying is that we often will base our emotional stability on something that we have no control over, another’s behavior. Additionally, what I am saying is that your happiness is not dependent on the other person being different.

 

 

Cleaning off our emotional filters is key. We begin to do this when we begin to see what is happening and how we are pulling into our old belief system time and time again.

 

You can begin to clean out old emotional baggage when you start to see that you are not responding to the event, but your interpretation of the event. Then, when you forgive the person for what they are not actually doing. What I mean by this is, what is causing you difficulty is not their behavior but your own filter.

 

They might tell you they just cheated on you with your best friend, but even in this situation what is giving you trouble is your interpretation of the event. This does not necessarily mean that you stay in any situation. What it does mean is that your emotional wellbeing can stay intact regardless of what appears to be going on outside of you.

 

 

When you see the innocence in another you are reminded of your own innocence.  When you are reminded of your own innocence you will remind yourself of your true nature, which is whole, complete and infinitely lovable. When you remember your true nature you will not fear what you perceive going on outside of you.

 

So You Want Respect: How to get respect in your relationship

 

You don’t have to go very for to hear someone giving his or her opinion on respect. Some will say that respect is something that is earned; that so-and-so has not earned our respect so we will happily keep it to ourselves.  “No respect for you”- soup Nazi style.

 

We hear people say they demand another’s respect. I often wonder how this works exactly. Is it that they force the other’s respect through threats, muscle or might. Does this demand of respect add up to something like “Respect me or I’ll tell on you” or “Respect me or you’ll be sorry”?

 

Indeed the demand of respect doesn’t sound that respectful when it is couched in such terms.

 

I, for one, think respect is very important to our lives. But I don’t think respect is something that should be earned or demanded.

 

That doesn’t mean we need to put up with unconscious behavior.  There are times it is best to move away from destructive behavior, but we can still do it in a matter that respects the other individual.

 

What does it mean to respect?     How to get respect in your relationship

 For those of you reading this who know me you already know how I feel about religion.  I welcome religion, all religion for that matter, but do not prescribe to one specific one myself. If anything I love the philosophy behind religions.

 

I have heard it said that religion and psychology, in their finest condition, meet.  I believe there may be some truth to this.  I say all this as a preface to what I am about to say about respect.

 

When we look at the word respect and break it down it means re-“again”, and spect-“look” put it together and we have “to look again”.

 

This is where some people say big whoop- I know this from grade school. It’s also where some people say “Right! And if they want me to look again (or respect them) they had sure better earn it”.

 

This is where I have a slightly different view on respect. When we look again we are looking to see something we have missed before with our superficial glance.

When we look again we are looking through the surface level.

Some might say we are looking to see the divine in that individual. Some might say you are looking again to see that person in a different light. Other may say our second look is done to see that person’s side of the story- to see them as innocent.

 

The view I like is that respect means we look again to see the divine in another.  Some religions teach that when we begin to recognize the Divine in another we begin to see it in ourselves. This is one of the reasons I like this explanation of respect so much.

 

When we begin to look for the innocence in another we begin to see it in ourselves.  When we learn to treat others with genuine loving kindness we begin to offer ourselves that same.

 

When we begin to understand that respecting others is actually for our own benefit we are more open to the experience.

 

This is way we are better off not living from the viewpoint that respect must be earned. When we live like this we end up selling ourselves short.

 

 

So know I know why it helps be to respect others- what can I do to start getting other’s respect?

 

Whatever you feel that your relationship is lacking, start giving it.

 

If you don’t feel like you are getting enough respect- start giving respect.

 

If you don’t feel like people are listening to your ideas- start listening to their ideas.

 

If you feel like people judge you too harshly, begin to look at how you are judging others.

 

Think about the times when you have been disrespectful to another person. (And if you are saying right now that you have never been disrespectful to another than I am going to call B***S*** on you. 😉 But denial is a tool we use until we don’t need it anymore so that is still ok.)

 

Think about that time when you have been disrespectful to another, maybe because you felt they deserved it, or may be just because you were having a bad day.

 

Are you there thinking about it?…Good.

 

What happened when you were disrespectful to them? Did they react in a way that caused the situation to get worse fast? Did communication stop? Did they walk away?

 

There may be a chance that that person was disrespectful right back and it may not have been to your face. Perhaps they were very respectful.

Consider that other person was not respectful, what would have happened if they responded with respect. Would you be more or less likely to show them respect? Typically people would answer they are more likely to show another respect when they think they are getting it.

 

So this is how you begin to get more respect in your relationships- start giving it.

 

Whatever you feel like you are lacking begin giving it- BUT YOU HAVE TO GIVE IT FREELY.   Stop keeping tabs on how much you are giving to others.

 

Do you like it when people give you something just because they want something in return? I know I don’t but I know that sometimes I can get caught in this trap of giving to get something.

 

If you are giving to get something- take note but don’t punish yourself. Sometimes it helps to remember you are a Divine being and a Divine being doesn’t deserve judgment.

 

If your not comfortable with the word Divine that’s all right find another word that you are comfortable with.

 

 

 

I would like to your thoughts

 

Should respect be earned or given unconditionally?

 

What is some advice involving respect that you have found helpful?

 

Should we strive to see the Divine (or good) in everyone?

 

Are there those you feel do not deserve respect?

Can Someone Really Make You Feel Bad?: How responsible are you for your own feelings?

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

 

The above quote is one I refer to often when working with people. The problem is never coming from the other person, but we continuously give away our power by putting the responsibility on someone else.

 

It is difficult to believe that the pain we can feel when interacting with another person is actually coming from us, but it is. It doesn’t matter what the action, if you feel an emotional reaction to it, know that it comes from you.  Let’s do a short exercise just for the sake of clearing up this point.

 

For a minute, imagine the last person you became upset with. Got them in your head? Now, imagine that you are in an altercation with this person and they call you a “purple unicorn”.

 

They keep calling you a “purple unicorn” over and over again. Would it upset you being called a “purple unicorn”? My guess would be no. I have yet to run into a person who says being called a ‘purple unicorn’ feels damaging in some way.

 

Most people admit they would think that the other person was crazy because they know they are not a purple unicorn. I imagine you would say something close to that.  In this example of another person calling you a “purple unicorn” you can see that the behavior is clearly about them.

 

Their actions are coming from them and it has no effect on you because you know you are not a “purple unicorn”.

 

But let’s change things around a bit. Let us change the name “purple unicorn” to something else. What if we changed it to “jerk”, “bitch”, “incompetent”, “selfish”, or any other name that gives us a little sting? Now we might be looking at a different story. We all have names we react to, but have you ever thought about why you react to them?

 

We react to “negative” things people say or do because it triggers a belief we already have about ourselves. “P.U. ” doesn’t affect you because you know you are not one, but other names do affect you because it is an idea we secretly harbor about ourselves.  People can only supply a stimulus; how we react to this stimulus reflects a lot about our belief system. 

 

Many people will respond by saying, “Well my partner doesn’t call me names. I am angry because he doesn’t do ______________(fill in the blank with what upsets you).

 

Some say they are upset because of the cheating, or lack of sex, or lack of attention.  One often times looks at their partner and quickly evaluates them on how well they are doing as a partner by whether or not they give that person want they think they want.  Very rarely does an individual take a second look and ask the important questions. Questions like: “Why do I believe I need my husband to listen to me (tell me I’m beautiful, tell me what a good job I’m doing, etc)?”, “Do I really need him to talk to me?”, “What would my day be like if I didn’t have the expectation that he should talk to me?”, Would I be happier without this thought?”.

 

 

When we refuse to take a deeper look we are left powerless and unhappy. We are letting our happiness ride on a factor we have no control over, someone else’s behavior.

 

If we begin to question, really question, why we think we need that other’s attention we can return to our only place of power- ourselves. Why do I need my partner to give me attention? If we truly look at this and want a real answer, we will get it.

 

Often times we don’t want a real answer. Often times we just want to be right. Many people answer angrily and says something like “because she’s my wife and she should be having sex with me 3 times a week”, or “I’m not crazy for wanting my husband to show me love” or fill in your choice answer that makes you look right.  Ask yourself, “Would I rather be right or would I rather be happy?”

 

When we truly want an answer to questions like “Why do I really need my partner’s attention?” we’ll start to get answers like: “Because I believe if someone doesn’t recognize my worth it’s not there”, or “I don’t feel lovable if someone does not show me attention”, or “I am putting my own desire for something over my partner’s desire to not do something. I am acting out of fear of not having enough and not from a place of love”.

 

It can seem impossible at times when we are hurt to start asking these questions with the hopes to get real answers. It is tempting to make ourselves “right”. When we are upset we feel like this is our only option if we want to heal. But being “right” rarely helps anyone. After the short-lived high wears off we are usually left with an uneasy feeling of isolation.