Tag Archives: resentment

Look For Loving In All The Wrong Places: Rekindling love in your marriage

Your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and find all the barriers that you have built against it. Love is your natural state. Your only problem lies in covering it up with cheap substitutes. Our need to be right, expectations of how we think something should be, judgments we project upon others all block our loving nature.

 

During the first stage of falling in love we get a glimpse of our loving nature. Take a minute to think of a time when you first fell in love. If one sits and puts themselves back at this time they will begin to experience a taste of love welling up.

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When you first fall in love you experience this unspeakable feeling of joy, peace, life all tumbled together into one unit. This feeling permeates us and we begin to feel it in all aspects of our life. We aren’t just in love with the person we found but we are in love with squirrels, and plants and spoons, and coffee and anything else we come in contact with. We are in love with life itself.

 

Falling in love is wonderful and it feels so natural to us that we want to hang on to it desperately. What we fail to realize is that it is not coming from the other person. You will discover this when you take a good look at the situation.

 

When you are in love and have this amazing feeling do you only feel it when that person is present in the same room with you? Of course not. You could still feel it if they were in Timbuktu. The feeling is present when they are there and still present when they are not. This is the case for one simple reason. The feeling of love you feel is coming directly from you.

 

When you are open you shine and experience your own natural light. We experience this light in the form of what we call love. But when we think that what we are feeling is coming from the other person we become frightened and want to hang on to this feeling of love. We try to hang on to it by trying to control the other person in various ways.

 

We set up expectations in an attempt to get in touch with this feeling once again. You listen to me so I feel love. You desire me so that I feel this love. You notice me so I feel this love. You show me respect so I feel this love. Listening, desire, attention and respect are all great elements to have in a relationship but you do not need them to experience that love you are looking for.

 

No one can take their love away from you.  When you close off, hold resentments, judge others, have expectations of how a someone or a situation should be you end up cutting yourself off from your natural light.

 

When you look outside yourself for love it will fail and end up hurting you.  It will end up hurting you not because it has the power to hurt you but because you have given it the power to hurt you. You have made the proclamation to yourself that you need ____________(fill in the blank with your perceived need or desire) and that is what follows. “I need your attention to be happy”. “I need you to desire me to feel love”. “I need you to be calm for me to be at peace”.

 

What you are looking for in your partner you already have.  You have just, for a brief moment in time, forgotten. Welcome what is and your light will shine on all you see.

 

“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”

– Rumi

 

Working On Internal Peace to Experience External Peace.

AYP1224744In this entry I will not be telling anything you don’t already know.  Think of this entry not as something novel but as a reminder of the obviousness that is all around us. We can witness evidence of the following commentary in our every experience.

 

It is your direct experience that you must listen to, not the writing. Wait for the message to ring true for you. If it does not resonate with you, move away without judging the encounter.

 

 

I do not respond to anything directly, but rather to my interpretation of the event. Many people tend to understand this statement on a general surface level but where most stop is the application of it.  We tend to forget the meaning of this statement when we encounter something that triggers an emotional charge for us. When we are experiencing the event, it appears that what is causing us trouble is outside of us.  In truth, it is our own filter that effects how we see something.

 

We then use our interpretation of the event to justify our response to the event. When one truly understands that they do not respond to anything directly but to their interpretation of it, they will understand that what is causing them trouble is not outside of them.  This can be liberating for many people because at this point they stop trying to control other people to find peace.

 

 

The interpretation of an event is always coming from me, therefore the grievance I perceive is coming from me.

 

The next step involves looking at where I am hoping to influence change. Most of us get caught up in the old pattern of trying to change another’s behavior so that you feel better.

 

Listen to me more so I feel different.

Desire me so I feel different.

Stand up for me more so I feel different.

Start helping with the housework more so I feel different.

Dress sexier so I feel different.

Don’t yell at me so I feel different.

 

There is a pattern here. The only reason we ever want people to be different is so that we feel different. There is a problem in this thinking. 1) I have no control over another person. 2) Refer back to the statement “I do not respond to anything directly but to my interpretation of it”. The problem is not in the other person it is in your perception of that other person.

 

For some this way of thinking is very frustrating. “Are you telling me that my partner does not have to listen to me or show me respect?!?!?”,  is a comment some will retaliate with. When I hear this retort I know that they have not yet comprehended what I am attempting to communicate.

 

We often will not interpret a situation correctly because we are looking through an old filter. Instead of seeing what is in front of us we look for evidence that supports a belief we already have.

 

If I have a belief that I am unlovable I will be seeing the world through this filter and look for evidence to support this belief. A lot of time we will be completely unaware of our internal beliefs. If someone were to say to you, “You have the belief that you are unlovable”, you’d might say, “You’re nuts”.

 

We have a difficult time seeing what beliefs are influencing us because they are so engrained. It’s like noticing the air, or a fish noticing water.

 

We see our unconscious belief by the way we interpret our external world. You can always tell how a person feels about themselves by how they talk/feel about others. 

 

We color our world by our internal beliefs. Everything in this world that happens is a fact, it does turn good, bad, happy, sad until it goes through my own filter of interpretation. Here is an example of what I mean:

 

Fact: You tell your husband about an event that is important to you. Your husband does not look up from his newspaper or respond to what you just said.

 

Event seen through one filter: He never listens. He is rude for not listening to something that is important to me.  I don’t understand why I bother to share important things with him.

 

Same event seen through a different filter:  He does not appear to be listening to me.  He might need this time to decompress. Him not listening to me is not a personal attack.

 

The way we interpret an event has everything to do with what is going on in our internal world. I am not saying that it isn’t great to have a partner who listens, is supportive, and helps. What I am saying is that we often will base our emotional stability on something that we have no control over, another’s behavior. Additionally, what I am saying is that your happiness is not dependent on the other person being different.

 

 

Cleaning off our emotional filters is key. We begin to do this when we begin to see what is happening and how we are pulling into our old belief system time and time again.

 

You can begin to clean out old emotional baggage when you start to see that you are not responding to the event, but your interpretation of the event. Then, when you forgive the person for what they are not actually doing. What I mean by this is, what is causing you difficulty is not their behavior but your own filter.

 

They might tell you they just cheated on you with your best friend, but even in this situation what is giving you trouble is your interpretation of the event. This does not necessarily mean that you stay in any situation. What it does mean is that your emotional wellbeing can stay intact regardless of what appears to be going on outside of you.

 

 

When you see the innocence in another you are reminded of your own innocence.  When you are reminded of your own innocence you will remind yourself of your true nature, which is whole, complete and infinitely lovable. When you remember your true nature you will not fear what you perceive going on outside of you.

 

The Importance of “No”

At a pretty regular rate I will come across a person who is honest enough to admit that they have trouble telling people “no”.  This confession is usually followed with numerous examples where that individual has ended up doing something they did not fully want to do. They logically see the damage that not saying “no” can cause but they are not ready to drop the distractive habit of committing to things they would rather not.

resentment would become a wedge in our relationship

I can relate to the troubles one has asserting themselves. Although I have come a long ways from the days when it terrified me to disappoint another, saying “no” is something I feel much more comfortable doing. There have been a few things that have helped me with this task.

 

1) You can’t say “yes” unless you can say “no”

You cannot fully say “yes” to something unless you can say “no”.  Think of how often you give in to another’s request because you are afraid of the outcome that will take place.

 

“I said “yes” to my girlfriend request that I go to dinner with her friends so she wasn’t mad”,

“I didn’t say “no” to sex with my husband because he will become moody for the rest of the day”,

“I didn’t say “no” to my mother when she asked me to clean her house because she will give me a guilt trip”

 

These are just a few examples of how people say yes when they want to say no in hopes to avoid some kind of punishment from the other person.

 

In these situations and situations like these people aren’t fully committing to the “yes”. Saying “yes” when you what to say “no” builds resentment.

 

2) “No” can be very loving

Most of us think that if we say “no” to something it means that we are unloved, uncaring or worse, selfish. We rarely look under the surface of this belief to see what the full picture entails.

 

When I do something I don’t what to do it can easily begin to build resentment. In this case “no” is a very loving act. What we are actually saying when we say “no” could sound something like this:

 

I cannot give this (yes) to you without a string attached,

I cannot give this to you freely at this moment.

If I say yes to your request it will be so that I look like a good person in your eyes when in fact underneath I will hold resentment in my heart.

 

This resentment would become a wedge in our relationship that I am not willing to have.  So in fact when I say “no” to your request I am saying “no” to the resentment in turn. You deserve better than being looked upon with disgust.

 

You may be angry with me for saying “no”.

You’re allowed to be.

You may not fully understand why I am saying “no”.

I understand.

This is one way I can show you love and respect.

You don’t have to see it as an act of love.

 

 

 3) Saying “yes”can actually be a selfish thing

We don’t normally think of saying “yes” to someone’s request as a selfish act. Historically agreeing to another’s demand has been seen as honorable or kind.

 

But when we say “yes” when we want to say “no” we are doing it to get something out of the arrangement.

 

What we get might be a subtle as someone seeing us as a good or kind person,  or appreciation. Sometimes we do something “nice” hoping that person will pay it back to us in the future. (I’ll say yes to sex, if you will listen to my problems or think of me fondly)

 

We end up giving into a supplication with an expectation that our “giving nature” will pay off at some later date. This all goes on with out the other person having a clue about the I.O.U. you have just bestowed on them.

 

To summarize, if you can’t say “yes” freely don’t say it at all. If you can’t do something without having an expectation that something must be done in return, don’t do it. You can control your actions and whether you decide to give or not but you have no control over that other person’s behavior.

 

Understand that there are no victims in these situations, only volunteers.