When Love is Conditional
Think about the word love and tell me what comes to mind. Most likely we expect the word love to elicited ideas of warmth, trust, closeness, and cherishment, but few people have freedom flood to the for front of their imagination. But freedom is a key characteristic at the root of love.
In order for freedom to flourish or even occur we must possess both the option to say “yes” and the ability to say “no”. Steven Stosny, PhD and author of Love Without Hurt, says that, “we are free to love only to the extent that we aren’t forced into it by guilt, shame, fear of abandonment, or worst of all, the interpretation of vulnerable feelings as emotional needs.”
What most of us believe to be love is actually the imposter, attachment. When what we call love elicits fear, clinging, neediness or jealousy we can be certain that what we feel is not so much love, but the attachment, that is being confused for love.
Attachment, unlike love, does not offer liberation, but rather holds individuals in bondage. The woman who cannot leave an abusive relationship because she “loves him” is paralyzed with the fear that she feels from being emotionally attached to another person.
She is torn between the part of her that desires better treatment and the part of her that is afraid of losing the object of her attachment.
It is attachment that keeps people from loving their partners, because it is based on selfishness not freedom. We are drawn to a particular person and become attached because of something they can offer us. This person may make us feel good about ourselves, they turn us on, they give us a feeling of pride when they are on our arm, they entertain us and we have a good time.
These attributes keep us bond to them with the hope of getting our perceived needs met. What happens when this special person no longer makes us feel good, or worse we no longer do it for them?
The fear that the source of our pleasure may leave if we do not satisfy them effectively enslaves us to a quid pro quo way of relating to one another instead of a building an authentic intimate relationship that comes from real love.
Attachment looks at how the relationship can fulfill ones needs, but real love does not ask what the other can do for us. Real love wants the other to be happy just because. Real love is free from hoops to jump thru, free of conditions, free of agendas and expectations.