Disguises of Infidelity- The many ways we are unfaithful

 

In our American culture we show great lenience for divorce, an event that causes immense pain and often a complete breakdown of loyalty, respect and trust not only between two people but the whole family; yet our tolerance for sexual infidelity is low and habitually takes an unwavering, punitive stance.

 

We measure the workability of our marriage by the extent that our partner is sexually monogamous, overlooking other forms of infidelity that are committed on a regular basis and are excused for years before sexual disloyalty enters the picture.

 

We forsake our marriages and partners for work, the children, and hobbies. We renounce closeness and understanding for the sake of being “right” in an argument. We share more intimate information with colleagues, the person who makes our coffee at Starbucks, or the person that gives us a weekly massage than we do with our wife or husband.

 

Infidelity takes on many forms but we choose to chastise sexual infidelity, considering it punishable only by death of the relationship.  Other insidious betrayals that are equally if not more damaging are sidestepped and receive minimal attention.

 

What is it that stops us from forgiving sexual betrayal when we have turned a blind eye to years of personal betrayal that we ourselves persistently execute?  Many will argue that the trust that is broken during sexual infidelity is what distinguishes it and puts it in a different division from ongoing everyday carelessness, apathy and perfidy.

But, I argue that emotionally checking out of our relationships is just as dishonest and maybe even more damaging then some acts of sexual infidelity.

 

There are many ways that we are unfaithful to our spouse.  When we define infidelity as forsaking one to whom we have a sworn alliance we can find scores of behaviors in which we betray our loved ones without setting foot in another’s boudoir.

 

We put our partners in an unflattering light to our friends so that we may experience the temporary relief of having someone feel sorry for us.

 

We put our own need to be “right” before our partner’s desire to be heard, understood and supported.

Our grudges for their past transgressions come before the intimacy you both profess to long for.

We withhold personal parts of our thoughts, dreams, and psyche from our spouse with the hope to preserve ourselves from being emotionally wounded. We put our fear of being harmed before closeness with our loved one.

 

We withhold from them emotional energy only to share with a friend or coworker- keeping our husband/wife in the dark.

We judge and criticize their behavior and appearance because our need to look like that woman or man who is married to the perfect spouse is more important then how your partner feels.

 

In all these ways we forsake our loved ones without giving it a second thought or a passing glance. We betray them all the time but feel all of these transgressions are insignificant next to the damage that is done by sexual infidelity.

 

Sexual infidelity is not to be taken lightly or brushed off with some perfunctory shrug. The point I would like to make is that infidelity slowly creeps into our relationship long before genitals creep out into different pastures. It is easy to look at the sexual infidelity as the reason for the relationship’s demise, but the downfall of intimacy, closeness and connections often happen long before an affair.

 

There is often hope for people who want to work on their marriage and restore their connection with a loved one.  It is not always easy and it is frequently necessary for partners to go back and look at the varying ways that both individuals were unfaithful through the relationship. This process can shed light on how the seed for sexual infidelity was initially planted.

 

This being said it is not your responsibility to point out your partner’s shortcomings. Stick to your own short comings- trust me if you’re anything like me your own shortcomings will keep you busy enough.

 

Discuss how you believe you have been unfaithful in your relationship with your partner. Ask your partner how they felt when this was happening? Ask your partner if they could point out instances where they felt you were being “unfaithful” or putting your own needs before theirs. Listen to understand them, not to prove your innocence or to justify your behavior.