Myths That Stop Women From Having an Orgasm and Enjoying Sex
It still amazes me how many woman are out there who have never experienced an orgasm.
It seems like whenever I go to a networking event or am out in the community giving a talk about sex therapy there is always someone in the crowd who has a “female friend” who has never had an orgasm. I am often asked what inhibits women from ever reaching this peak, to which I answer “A number of things”.
Whenever working with a woman who has never experienced an orgasm I like to get a sexual history from them. The sexual history helps me get a better picture on (1) the part sex has played in their life and (2) any physical aliments or medications that may make climaxing difficult (if not impossible). The reason woman report to having difficulty can vary but certain themes are seen to keep coming up. One of these theme are myths that woman believe that make it difficult reach climax
Some of this myths include but are not limited to…
1 Good girls don’t have sex- I hear this message all the time from grown women in my office and fathers of young girls. Just a few weeks ago I was having dinner with a pregnant girl friend of mine who had just found out she was having a girl. When her husband received the news his first comment was “We’ll have to make sure she knows to only have sex with a boyfriend.”
Most women receive the message growing up that sex is something “good girls” don’t do. If you have it you could easily be labeled something degrading. Women are taught to stay away from sex and to keep themselves “pure”. Many learn this lesson very well and then when it comes time to have sex with their long-term partner they are just expected to turn into some kind of sex minx. The dichotomy leaves many women confused and even feeling guilty for asking for what she may want in the bedroom.
2 The man is the sexual expert- Unlike little girls, little boys are encouraged to explore their sexuality. They become familiar with their genitals at an early age and are encouraged to handle them during bathroom training. Boys receive a much different title than girls do when they have a sexual encounter. Since girls are taught to be virginal they can begin to look to the boys to know what is going on.
Too often, women hand over their sexual voice to the men they are sleeping with. They don’t speak up and say that’s great but I want this. They assume that the man knows how to turn them on and make them orgasmic. Many women spend their whole lives waiting for the man who will make them climax. This passive role can stand in the way of many women enjoying sex and becoming orgasmic.
In my office I tell a number of women that they are the expert of their own sexuality. You are the one person responsible for your orgasms.
3 I don’t deserve pleasure- “I just keep thinking about how long it is taking”, “I think I take too long”, “I am worried he is getting tired” all of these statements have been uttered to me from various women when discussing their inhibited orgasm.
In order to reach climax you need to be selfish. You need to feel like you are worth it and that you deserve this time and attention. Even if you are by yourself you will experience difficulty if you feel you don’t deserve the experience. Many women who have trouble experiencing an orgasm will report feeling uneasy when they are sexually stimulated and cannot relax and enjoy the experiences.
4 I will always relive the sexual trauma- There are some women who report remembering sexual trauma they experienced as a child during times that they masturbate. It is difficult for some survivors of sexual trauma to move past the trauma. For some the only sexual experiences they have had have been unfortunate incidences where they where they were abused or, as adults, went along with sexual experiences that someone else wanted.
If someone has only experienced sex as a negative occurrence it is challenging to change their thinking but it can be done. Positive sexual experiences need to be enjoyed so the woman knows there is more to sex than being over powered, hurt or at best a passive participant.
As one can see there are a number of reasons that can get in-between a woman and her ability to reach climax. All women, whether they are pre-orgasmic or orgasmic, need to develop a sexual voice. Many women report being unhappy with their sex life only to find out that they are passive participants just going along for the ride.