Getting Your Needs Met in Your Marriage: How to have a happy (and mature) relationship.
Becoming an Adult in Your Relationship- The Secret May Be Going Back to This Child-like Behavior.
Growing up is hard to do. Often times its difficult for us to see where we really need to grow up in our relationships. For many people the areas that most need to mature are the very areas that are kept guarded or where great effort is given to maintain their existence in their lives.
The first place to look for areas of growth are the areas that we often refer to as our “needs”. Many books have been written on the “needs” that one has in a relationship. You don’t have to look very hard at Barnes and Noble to find a book that will spell out for you what your needs are or how you experience love or feel “loved” from another person.
These books are not bad by any means. For many people, literature like this helps shed light on parts of their relationship and helps them understand their partner. These books can be used to better understand why your partner has no interest in the gifts you give but will melt when you spend time with them.
Like anything these self-help books can be used to improve our relationships or keep us stuck in old, insecure patterns.
Most people don’t stop and ask the questions that get to the heart of why they have these perceived needs and why they feel a great unjust has been done to them when these needs are no longer being met.
In his book, “Happiness, The Zen Way to True Contentment”, Ezra Bayda supports the idea that having our needs met in our relationships actually act as a pseudo band-aide to cover old emotional wounds we have acquired. We believe that by getting our expectations met by our partner that we will be happy and potentially not have to face what lies under the expectation.
The reason we want others to be a specific way is because we want to feel a certain way. We may want to feel heard, or safe, competent, comfortable, or loved.
When our expectations are not met we experience difficulty. This difficulty comes in the form of fear, resentment, anger or sometimes disappointment. Our expectation of how we believe something should be is actually hindering us from experiencing happiness and joy.
Often times, we want our partners to make us feel a certain way because we are concerned that we will not be able to get to that place without their assistance. We forget that love and joy come through us and reflect in the external.
When we are open and in a state of acceptance the “light of joy” can shine. We see it when it reflects in another person but we often mistake it as coming from that person.
Here’s a different analogy that might help– Imagine for a moment that you are the sun shining on everything you see. Since you are the sun you are the source of the light you see reflecting off of Earth, Mars, all the moons and planets. It would be easy to assume that the light you observe is coming from the objects that reflect your light but of course it is not.
Your own light, so to speak, reflects in your relationships with others if you allow it. This is why one is not dependent on others to make them happy or give them the joy they so hungrily desire. Let your light shine on everyone and everything.
Just like some objects reflect light more than others, say a newly wax car compared to a dirty patch of grass, some people will reflect your light back to you more than others. But if you let your “light” shine you can’t help but see it in everything regardless of how reflective it is.
Babies can be the best example of shining their light on everything. Very few babies seem to know that their joy comes from within and the source is not outside of them. But it doesn’t take very long for us to forget this innate wisdom.
As children we start off playing for the sake of play and find great enjoyment in that act itself. We twirl, skip, rattle and jiggle without regard to anyone else. We do it because it’s natural. We experience our own joy shine back in everything we do.
It’s doesn’t take very long for this to change. We might be playing along one day doing our twirls and flips and notice that someone is applauding our play. We become distracted from our play and are amused by this outside attention.
At this moment we shift our attention from twirling without regard to twirling to get attention from others. We now are focused on the attention we are getting and not the act itself. We are now dependent on a response in order to let our light shine.
When we were children we learned very quickly how we could receive attention and approval from our parents and later on get this similar approval from peers. Some people learn that if they are well behaved and help their mother they will receive admiration. Other children learn if they are smart or funny or pretty or clean they will not be invisible to their parents. Others take more, seemingly, extreme measures for love and attention and decide to get attention from being mischievous.
The joy we receive from the attention is not coming from that person or the specific act. When we perceive that we are getting the attention that we expect or desire we allow ourselves to open up a little bit and our joy can shine through yet again. The same is true when we are doing an activity that we enjoy. We open and see our light shining in that hobby or game.
It’s important to remember that it is not coming from the person or the activity but is coming from you and reflecting back. Let your light shine in everything and every being.