How do you fall back in love? Moving past despair in your relationship
Every friendship travels at sometime through the black valley of despair. This tests every aspect of your affection. You lose the attraction and the magic. Your sense of each other darkens and your presence is sore. If you can come through this time, it can purify with your love, and falsity and need will fall away. It will bring you onto new ground where affection can grow again.”
― John O’Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom
John O’Donohue’s words speak to many variations of friendships including that bond between you and your significant other.
Often times when our relationships are going through the “black valley of despair” we can lose sight of our partner’s inner light. The illumination that once drew us to our beloved can become covered with our judgments and resentment of unmet emotional desires.
In times of darkness, instead of looking through our partner’s awkward qualities to their shining beauty, we focus on their unpolished attributes and forget the reason we were attracted to them when we first met. Difficult times seem to go on with out cessation.
It can be helpful to remember that peace will follow a period of disturbance. Consciously moving through the chaos with our senses sharp refines our kinship adding depth to our understanding and appreciation.
Tips that may help-
Try to remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Remember to look for your partner’s light, their divine nature that attracted you to her/him. We often choose to look for evidence to support our current belief.
At the present moment you may see your partner as a scoundrel, so you notice things about them, and interpret their behavior with this bias. If you are looking for evidence to support your belief that they are a rascal, they may do something very thoughtful and you will not see it.
Anger is motivated by fear. When we take a very close look at what motivates behavior we can see that it is inspired by love or fear. We know that underneath hurtful, ugly comments our partner is reacting with fear.
When your partner attacks or tries to manipulate you it is coming directly from their fear. Sometimes our fear motivates us to find flaws in another so by default it makes us appear innocent by comparison.
If one person plays the role of the jerk the other person must play the role of innocent bystander. In order for someone to be a “jerk” there has to be someone or some situation they are being a jerk to.
If your partner calls you a name or insults you it is about them and their fear. They need to make someone the bad guy so they feel like the good guy. Their behavior is not about you. Additionally, your return attacks are not about them but about you and your fear.
Remembering that your partner’s cutting comments are not personal but motivated by fear can help stop the vicious cycle of bickering.
Whatever you think your partner is holding back from you start giving it.
* If you think your partner doesn’t show you respect begin showing respect to your partner.
* If you want your partner to apologize when they make a mistake, begin owning up to your own shortcomings.
*If you wish your partner listened to you, give the gift of true listening.
*If you want your partner to cut you a break when you don’t do something exactly perfect, start cutting them a break.
*If you need your partner to see through your shortcomings start seeing past theirs.
We often times stopping giving the things we want most in our relationship. It is important to not keep track of how much you are giving or to give something and wait to see if it has the desired effect.
I have never met anyone who likes it when someone keeps count of all the things that are doing for them. If you don’t want your partner to keep track of all the things they do for you (and how much you owe them) don’t do it to them.
The energy we put out is the same energy we attract.