Dealing with the fear of never getting married
Once upon a time, I was a counselor to college students going through difficult times. I saw a lot of clients experiencing homesickness, anxiety about what to do when they completed college, mild depression that stemmed from the feeling of not fitting in, but the thing I remember most vividly was the reported fear that many young women had about never getting married.
Before these women were old enough to legally purchase their own martini, they had a crippling fear that their life had ended simultaneously with the termination of their last relationship.
This fear of not getting married does not seem to be exclusive to women in their young 20’s. Whatever age group you fit into, most people have at least one friend who is worried that they may never meet the right person and settle down. You may be this frightened friend.
Dealing with the fear of never getting married.
The solution I offer people to help deal with the trepidation of not getting married is very powerful, however it is so simple that people often times write it off as something that will never work. It is a solution that anyone can use for almost any problem they experience.
The greatest teacher I have ever had gave me this advice and at first I was skeptical. But time and time again, when used properly and with true conviction, it has worked without fail. The piece of advice I was given,
“It’s enough to notice”.
When I was first given this nugget of wisdom, I did what I have done with most of the great sutras that life offers me–I ignored it. But my teacher being the great educator that he was kept coming back to the statement.
Each time he repeated the statement I absorbed a richer understanding of what he meant. Behind these simple words there was a deeper message that often times went unexplored.
Looking into the statement “It’s enough to notice”.
By implication, when we notice something there are a couple of things that happen. 1) We stop resisting or denying it is there. What we resist persists. We stop fighting whatever it is we think we need to struggle against. 2) We begin to look at the meaning behind our statements and begin to question if they are true.
In the case of being afraid that you may never get married-
1) Acknowledge what you are feeling. “I am experiencing sadness and depression”. Welcome your feelings whatever they might be. When we try to resist something we spend more of our energy and attention trying to push it away. Welcome that sadness if it is what you are experiencing. What would happen to the sadness if you were no longer making it into the enemy?
2) Ask yourself the sponsoring thought behind these feelings. This is usually the most difficult part for people because they are afraid to admit that the real sponsoring thought might make them look bad. This is the part that most people are reluctant to enter into. They might come up with a superficial answer like-“I don’t know” or “I guess it’s just a dream of mine”.
Possible sponsoring thoughts behind the fear of not getting married:
“I believe my value is tied to whether or not someone else finds me desirable”
“I feel I have an expiration date and if I don’t get married before that time I will lose my chance”
“I am choosing to make my happiness dependent on an external factor ipso facto- if I don’t get married I can’t be happy”
“I am not as good as others if I do not get married”
“I need to get married to validate that I am lovable”
When you can get to the real sponsoring feeling you can then begin to question how factual it is. When we hear most sponsoring thoughts they can seem silly.
When you bring in the light of consciousness the illusion will dissolve, the same way bringing light into a dark room gets rid of the dark.
Many people are don’t want to get rid of old thoughts. They have been living with the thought for so long it may be difficult to part with, no matter how much trouble the thought is giving you.
It’s important to remember, if you are unhappy you are getting something from the unhappiness. There is still a part of you that does not want to get rid of an old thought, an old “should”. This is ok- don’t be hard on yourself for it. You may not be ready to let go of an old fear. When you are ready to release it, it will leave you naturally and gently.
Dealing with a friend who is afraid of not getting married.
If you are not worried about getting married (because you’ve already jumped the broom or you have no burning desire) it’s not your place to judge the people who do have this as their sponsoring fear. We all, at some point in time, have something we are afraid of.
I hear continuously, “I can’t understand why they would__________________(fill in the blank with your statement)”. Truth is, if you can’t understand something another person is feeling there is a very good chance you have never made that effort. May be you would not cry over (seemingly) spilled milk, but what is spilled milk for you is the end of the world to another and vice versa.
You might not be sad over not getting married, however, you do understand the feeling of sadness and what it is like to experience despair. It’s not important that you would have different feelings in this exact circumstance- what is important is relating to the feeling and understanding your friend.