What Do You Do When Others Lie About You?: Why You Don’t Need to Defend Yourself
The urge to defend ourselves is second nature for many people. We feel if we don’t stand up for our beliefs, our identities, our honor (as it were) that we will appear weak or worse yet, we are afraid it means we are weak.
The illusion that the strong defend themselves against slander and acts is something that numerous individuals will not question. From a young age we are taught that we must stand up for ourselves or we will be a “baby”, a “weakling”. What we don’t think about is that those who feel weak are the ones who are often compelled to defend.
Why defending oneself is a sign that one feels weak.
What would happen if you were spending a leisurely afternoon sunning yourself on your porch when all of the sudden a herd of wild butterflies swarmed in? There are hundreds of these butterflies fluttering around you attacking you from all sides. Some are using their wings to “pelt” you, others are walking up and down your arm using all their might to “stomp you out”. Some have gone to the extreme of taking their nectar sucking tongues to “lick you to death”.
Considering you don’t suffer from Lepidopterophobia (the fear of butterflies) you would most likely have no reaction to a “herd of wild butterflies”. You would feel no need to get up and defend yourself. You may eventually walk away because you do not want to be bothered by them anymore but you would not feel the need to defend yourself. Why is this?
People and animals only feel the need to defend themselves when they feel frightened. If you see something or someone as a threat you will feel the need to take up a defense.
If someone is gossiping about you or your partner is saying hurtful things about you, you may feel the need to defend yourself. Which brings us to the next point…
You do not need to defend the truth.
The truth needs no defense, it can take care of itself. The truth will always stand on it’s own. The truth can handle people who are misinformed without being affected.
Do you need to defend the fact that light travels faster than sound? No, one can look at lighting and thunder to see that this is true. When we hear someone say something about us that is not true our first inclination may be to set the record straight, to fight fire with fire. Fighting fire with fire only makes more fire, it will not give you the peace you are looking for.
When you feel your identity being threatened by another take a moment to rest in the feeling of diminishment. Don’t get caught in your sad story, stay with the feeling not the thought. When your identity of who you are is diminished your natural Self has an opportunity to shine through.
By becoming less, so to speak, you begin to experience more. Your higher self is revealed.
If I don’t defend myself won’t I become a pushover?
No longer being defensive or taking things personally doesn’t mean you become a pushover. No longer feeling the need to defend oneself does not mean you are all of the sudden the world’s largest doormat. There may be times when you find you need to walk away from unconscious behavior. You don’t need to be anyone’s emotional punching bag. There are numerous situations where we do need to walk away.
Many people become pushovers because they choose this for themselves. When we say “yes” when we want to say “no” we are actually trying to manipulate another individual. We are trying to manipulate what they think of us. How many times have you said “yes” because you don’t want someone to be mad at you or you want that person to think of you in a certain way? This is manipulation and a way we try to control others.
What do I do instead of defending myself?
We are never upset for the reasons we think we are. You are never upset because someone is calling you a name or doing something nefarious. You are upset by another’s behavior because it triggers a fear you believe about yourself. You can read more about this in the post “Can Someone Really Make You Feel Bad?: How responsible are you for your own feelings?”.
When people say something you have an emotional reaction to they are showing you various beliefs you still think about yourself. In this way people who upset us or rub us the wrong way act as mirrors. Just like looking in a mirror at home, what we see in the mirror cannot be changed by altering the mirror. When we change what we see in the reflection also changes with it.
To let go of the fearful belief we have of ourselves that is triggered by another what we need to do is look in the mirror (the other person), and offer forgiveness. It looks like we are offering them forgiveness but what we are really doing is letting go of the fear we have in ourselves. We release ourselves from the trigger and we experience peace.