How to Give Better Advice to Your Friends and Family.

We all have those people in our lives that seem to have the natural gift of giving good advice.  I know I do.  Just because I have them in my life doesn’t mean I always seek out their input on difficult situations.

 

Sometimes I will seek out the advice of a friend I know will agree with me just to agree. Other times I will go to my friend who will have my back but let me know I am being silly.  When I am ready to really own up to the part I played in the mistake I always have that friend who seems to be the best help.

 

This whole dynamic has got me thinking, what is it that makes some advice better than others? What is it that separates the sound judgment from the rest? How can one begin to give sound advice when friends are looking for it?

 

 

Guide Lines (to consider) if you would like to offer sound advice. 

 

 

 Passive Active Listening

My partner playfully calls this being a “pal” (P.A.L). It offers a good way of remembering the words.

 

Most people I talked to protest that they are great listeners. In fact most of us will probably say we are good listeners. There is no shortage of people who think they listening well. But finding someone who listens well is another challenge not so easily met.

 

In passive active listening there is no room for your own thoughts or judgments on what the person is saying. If you have a thought in your head you are not listening. If you are thinking about what you are going to say when the person stops talking, you are not listening.

 

In listening your sole function is to listen. You are listening to more than just the words. You are listening to the tone of their voice.

 

When you hear something you react to and feel you need to defend, in p.a.l. you let it go and go back to listening.

 

 

Don’t give advice to sound smart or to be the helper. 

 

If you are attached to your role of being the smart person who has all the answers it will stand in the way of helping the other person.

 

If you need to be the helper, by default, you need to be able to help someone.  If you define yourself by being a helper you will always need someone who is worse of than you so that you can help them.  When you define yourself by this role of being the helper you can begin to keep people stuck in their situation so that you can remain the hero.

 

When giving advice let go of your need to look smart or to look like the person who has all the answers.

 

 

Encourage the person to look at the larger picture

 

Friends and clients have asked me if they think that a particular behavior is a wise decision. Sometimes, if the person is hurt, they are looking for revenge.

 

They may want to make the other person “sorry” for what they did by choosing to act in a way that may be hurtful. When we’re hurt often times our first defense it to hurt another person.

 

The questions I try to remember to ask is “What do you really want?” and “Is this behavior going to get you what you want in the long run?”

 

Sometimes a person will be hurt and they will talk about getting back at their wife by cheating on her or filing for divorce. When you ask the question “What do I really want out of this?” they start to realize what they really want is to stop hurting and to have a healthy relationship with their partner.

 

When they ask the second question, “Will this get me what I am really looking for?” it helps them process the situation on their own.

 

 

People are allowed to feel what they are feeling. 

 

Sometimes our friends are angry and hurt and they are not ready to come out of it. Sometimes people want to have the space to experience their emotions.

 

Don’t try to cheer your friend up.  Listen to what they have to say. Listen for the emotion that they are experiencing. Reflect the emotion back to them to let them know that you are listening.

 

Example: Your friend says, “I can’t believe my boss would give the promotion to Tom. I am more qualified and have been with the company longer. I am so angry I could scream”.

 

Bad thing to say to your friend: “Just cheer up it will look better next week and their might be something better around to corner for you.”

 

Better response for your friend: “I can see how you would feel marginalized and overlooked by your boss’s decision. It can really leave you feeling discourage about your career choices.”  or “I can see that you are_____________ (fill in the blank with the emotions you think you hear them expressing).

 

 

Give them space to make their own decisions. 

No matter how well we think we know our friends and family member we will never have all the pieces to fully understand how they tick. They may not make the same choices we would make and that is ok.

 

We might never know why our beautiful, bright girlfriend stays with the lazy slob that bosses her around. We may not grasp why someone keeps making the same mistake over and over again.  You don’t have to fully understand the other person’s reasoning.

 

It’s best to not tell people how to live their lives, unless they ask.