Am I Foolish for Taking Back My Cheating Spouse?: Wisdom After Cheating
“I feel like I am being a fool for taking her back. I never saw this coming. I never thought in a million years that Joy would ever cheat on me. I am beginning to question everything about our relationship and doubt my judgment.”
The above statement is a paraphrase contracted from numerous different couples I have seen in the past that were attempting to move past and heal after an affair. There are a few things that are common after infidelity and one of those common factors is fear of looking like a fool for taking your partner back.
If you have been on the receiving end of cheating it is likely that at one point you have worried about looking like a fool for taking your partner back. But I would argue that many people re-enter their relationship with a newfound wisdom that can help them in the future.
When working with someone who is afraid of looking foolish for taking back a cheating spouse it is often helpful to break it down and take a second look.
Fears of taking back a cheating Spouse broken down:
1) Am I a fool for forgiving my cheating partner? This question comes up after most cheating. One statement that will be true in any situation you come across is: Forgiveness is always a rational response. It doesn’t matter is someone cheated on you or decided to bomb your home with all your loved ones inside, forgiveness is always a rational response.
It is actually when we don’t forgive that our behavior can start to become very foolish. You don’t have to look very far to see old quarrels going on between fellow workers or family members that are crazy. When forgiveness is applied it is like an insurance policy you get that safeguards against other’s unconscious behavior.
Others may act in a crazy way but when you are able to truly forgive it does not affect you. It is the same way that an auto insurance policy would protect you in an accident. The accident happens but with insurance you get your repairs paid for or get a new car.
When you start to forgive others you begin to understand that their behavior is about them and you don’t take it as personally.
2) Am I a fool for taking back someone who could cheat on me again? The short answer is “no” not necessarily, but you might be foolishly thinking that you can control another’s behavior or that they are not capable of a particular behavior.
Oftentimes we enter into relationships floating on blind hope and puffy dreams. Many couples believe that their partner would never cheat- this is a foolish notion. Anyone is capable of cheating.
You could leave your partner who just cheated on you and find a brand new person and they will capable of cheating, too.
We think we can bury our heads in the sand and avoid the truth that everyone is capable of this. Not me, not my spouse- we love each other too much to do something so rude as to cheat.
But 6 years, 2 kids, 784 sleepless, sexless, hug-less nights later and you might be singing a different tune. Add into the mix someone who notices how great you look in 10 year old, baby food-covered sweatpants, and isn’t bashful about complementing how lucky your husband must be to be married to a natural beauty, and the door of possibility may open.
The simple fact is everyone is just a few factors away from any behavior. Many people will take the self-righteous approach and say “I would never do something like_______________(cheat, murder, steal, do drugs or what have you)”. In truth how do you know if you weren’t in that same situation, with the same insight that the person had, with the same emotional resources that you would not be in the same situation?
The difference now is: you are wiser having this information. In the beginning most people enter in blindly thinking it could never happen to me. Now, you know it can happen to anyone. It can even happen again in your relationship.
3) Am I going to look weak for taking back a cheating partner? What passes for strength in our current culture is very wacky. Defensiveness, control, loud out bursts we mistake for great strength- this is madness.
People who are truly comfortable and confident do not need to defend themselves. Think about it.
If a herd of wild butterflies came into your room right now would you feel the need to defend yourself? Most likely you are not threatened by butterflies so you would not feel the need to defend yourself.
When you know that you are strong you have no need for defense. Only when we see ourselves as weak do we become defensive.
In the same vain of craziness we can mistake forgiveness as a sign of weakness when it can take much more strength and effort to take gentler look at the situation.
Some people who want to look particularly strong may come up with statements like “I’ll forgive you, but don’t think for a moment I’ll ever forget this or let you forget it”. This is a form of defensiveness.
When we forgive we live in the present. You can have a memory of the past but when forgiveness is applied to it, it will not long hold an emotional charge.
Ending thoughts….
If you are going to give anything, give it freely. The same goes for getting back in a relationship. Know that if you re-enter your relationship you cannot control your partner’s behavior only your own.
Before you go back into the relationship and give your time, think about every possible outcome.
You could return and the cheating could continue.
You could return and the cheating could stop.
You could return, the cheating might stop but your partner goes back to their old ways that you didn’t like.
You could return and your partner might be an absolute angel until the end of your days.
Think about all the outcomes you could possibly think of and know that they are all a potential. If you can enter into the relationship with the understanding and acceptance that all of these outcomes are possible, then it is a good sign you will not be playing the victim role in the future.
It doesn’t mean that you can’t leave in the future it just means that you are going in with a newfound wisdom.