Fulfillment in Your Relationship May Come in an Unexpected Way.
A common question I ask people who come in to see me is, “What do you want out of your relationship?” Many already have a rehearsed list that is easily pulled from their memory banks. 
“I want him to listen to me.”
“I want her to give me a blow job more than once every five years.”
“Some help with the kids every once in a while would not kill him.”
“I’d like more affection.”
“I’d like them to stop manipulating me.”
“If they stopped their controlling way of handling things the relationship would be much better.”
If we’re being honest with ourselves most people can think of some behavior they believe will magically solve their relationship trouble and set their life right. If you are anything like me and the rest of humanity you get stuck in this illusionary trap.
We come up with an idea of something that needs to happen (mainly something in another person needs to change). What we are really looking for is not for the other person’s behavior to be different. Rather, we are looking for what we think that change in behavior promises.
You aren’t really looking for him to listen to you. What is attracting you to this is the idea that when he listens to you, you will in someway be fulfilled and experience happiness. If you knew that he could listen to you and you would be just as miserable the listening wouldn’t matter.
The same goes for any of the above statements and many of the ones that were not mentioned. In a nutshell we could break it down to:
- Listen to me = I’m happy
- Give me a blow job= I’m happy
- Help me with kids= I’m happy
- Affection= I’m happy
- Stop manipulating= I’m happy
- Stop controlling= I’m happy
What we are really looking for is not the behavior of our partner to be different but for our internal state to be different. No matter what our desire is (to be thinner, job promotion, kinder partner, different parents, etc.) we are ultimately looking to the same sensation. We are looking for one of three things that are in actuality the same 1.) peace, 2.) joy/happiness, 3.) love.
There is nothing wrong in wanting your partner to be different, but if we really take a close look at it we will realize that our partner’s behavior is not giving us what it promises. So to judge it as “wrong” would be incorrect. It would be more accurate to say that it does not have to ability to make us happy. One example of this can be found by looking at our preserved need to be heard or have our partner listen to us.
The fear of not being heard is a big one for a number of people. When we have a need to be heard it can be rooted back to the fear that if someone does not listen to what I have to say then my words have no value. Or to get to the to point- If people don’t listen to me then I have no value. The perception of not being listened to only triggers this fear we already have.
When we have a fear that in some way we are not good enough or are unlovable it will be triggered. One way you can tell your fear is being triggered is when you are upset with another person for not being the way you want them to be. It appears easier to be mad at another person than to address the fear head-on.
One thing to ask yourself when you begin to get angry for not getting the behavior you want from another person is, “Is it true that I need this person to listen to me (over whatever other behavior you are looking to get)?” I have gone into more detail on this on a prior post.
Another question to ask yourself is, “Why do I feel it is necessary for this person to do this?”. “Why is what I want (this person to listen to me) more important than what they want (to not listen to me)?” “What is it that I am really looking for (a feeling of joy, peace, love)?”
Think about how many times you have been listened to in your life. If someone else’s behavioral response of listening to you had the ability to make you happy don’t you think by now you would be happy? Is it possible that them listening to you is not where your sensation of joy is coming from?
Why you are really happy.
The ultimate desire is not the “object of our desire” but rather the feeling that we feel after we obtain the object. The object never has the ability to illicit the feeling we are looking for. If it did all I would have to do to be happy is go to my closet and look at all my shoes.
In the moment that I get a new pair of shoes that I have been desiring I experience the sensation of happiness. It is easy to think that this feeling is coming from the shoes, but as I said earlier if it really were coming from the shoes all I would need to do is go to my closet whenever I needed a pick-me-up and I would instantly feel happy.
The feeling of happiness is not coming from the shoes (or the job promotion, weight loss, new girlfriend, blow job, being listened to, mom not nagging, etc.). When I have a desire for anything the desire comes in and blocks the happiness that is always there. This is sort of like a cloud covering the sun.
The sun is behind the clouds so we cannot see or experience it. Our happiness is covered with a desire so, similar to the sun covered by the cloud, we do not experience our own light (happiness).
What happens in the moment that our desire is fulfilled, it devolves, allowing our light (or happiness) to shine. If the desire is met we no longer have a desire for that object. But it is important to understand that the sensation we are looking for is not coming from the object, it is coming from us.
When you block your light with an expectation of how another should act or a desire you no longer feel happy. When you shut down you may no longer feel that love you once experienced with your partner, but its not them “taking their love away from you”, it’s you closing up.
When we begin to understand how this works it can be liberating, because then it hits us that we no longer need anyone else to be a particular way for us to be happy.
You start to realize that you don’t need that person to listen to you or do anything for you to be alright. You will no longer be any one’s “victim” because you realize that that other person can’t make you feel anything unless you give them permission.
Questions:
So, what do you think?
Does anything in this article resonate with you?
Is this theory complete crap?
Would this work in your life if you applied it?
Have you tried this? What did you experience?