Tag Archives: sex after marriage

Are You in an Unfulfilling Relationship? What to do when you feel like your relationship is one sided.

Many of us feel stuck in relationships that feel one sided. We may feel as if we are doing everything we can possibly think of to make the relationship better, but we just don’t feel as if our partner is trying anymore.

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Or we may feel ready to give up on our relationship because we have been giving for too long and we are on empty. We may feel as if we are not getting what we want from our partners–we usually say our partner isn’t meeting our needs anymore.
It comes as a surprise to many couples when I tell them it’s not their partner’s responsibility to meet their needs. What are these “needs” anyways?  Can we really call them “needs”? It’s not like you would shrivel up and die if your partner did not complement you or begin understanding your “love language”.

Our emotional needs are not the same as our physical needs. Without water, food, and shelter, we actually could die.   If your partner forgets to tell you how attractive he finds you or how great in bed you are you are not going to fall into a coma.  This is not to say we can be harmful to our partners or should tolerate destructive behavior.

We often times don’t take a look underneath our reported needs to see what is going on. The needs we report to having in our relationship often are linked to some emotional hurt we are still attached to. Too often we don’t feel whole on our own and we look to our partner to make us happy or feel good about who we are.

Eckart Tolle addresses a similar concern in the video below. He is able to get to the heart of the matter and gives suggestions that help people move past the desire to have their partners fulfill their needs.

For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality

Ever woman should know what she wants in bed and how to communicate it to her partner.  Many women I work with have never exercised their sexual voice and just go along with what happens during sex. They leave their sexual response in the hands of their partners- waiting and hoping that whom ever they are with will stumble upon that magic combination that will lead to explosive ecstasy. 

One can wait along time to have an orgasm if they are passively hanging around for someone else to do the job for them.  Besides it is not someone else’s responsibility to give you an orgasm. I often find that one can put the responsibility on their boyfriend, girlfriend or husband. If you don’t know what turns you on and are willing to explore the possibilities how can you expect your partner to be able to figure it out.

The book, For Yourself, talks about women’s sexual concerns just like these and this is just one reason I am recommending this itbook- For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality.  Although it was written for women who have difficulty experiencing an orgasm I believe any women can get something out of reading this book.

If you are a women who is pre-orgasmic this book is definately one you should try on for size.




Low Sex Drive

There are a number of reasons that can cause someone to have low sexual desire.  These reason can vary depending on gender, age, health, general welfare and so on.  Low libido can have a negative effect on a relationship when only one person is experiencing limited sexual desire.

Below I have included a short clip from Dr. Laura Berman. In the video you will see her offering advice to two different individuals experiencing low sex drive for two different reasons.



Myths That Stop Women From Having an Orgasm and Enjoying Sex

How to enjoy sex with your husband

It still amazes me how many woman are out there who have never experienced an orgasm.

It seems like whenever I go to a networking event or am out in the community giving a talk about sex therapy there is always someone in the crowd who has a “female friend” who has never had an orgasm.  I am often asked what inhibits women from ever reaching this peak, to which I answer “A number of things”.

Whenever working with a woman who has never experienced an orgasm I like to get a sexual history from them.  The sexual history helps me get a better picture on (1) the part sex has played in their life and (2) any physical aliments or medications that may make climaxing difficult (if not impossible).  The reason woman report to having difficulty can vary but certain themes are seen to keep coming up.  One of these theme are myths that woman believe that make it difficult reach climax

Some of this myths include but are not limited to…

1 Good girls don’t have sex- I hear this message all the time from grown women in my office and fathers of young girls.  Just a few weeks ago I was having dinner with a pregnant girl friend of mine who had just found out she was having a girl. When her husband received the news his first comment was “We’ll have to make sure she knows to only have sex with a boyfriend.”

Most women receive the message growing up that sex is something “good girls” don’t do. If you have it you could easily be labeled something degrading. Women are taught to stay away from sex and to keep themselves “pure”.  Many learn this lesson very well and then when it comes time to have sex with their long-term partner they are just expected to turn into some kind of sex minx.  The dichotomy leaves many women confused and even feeling guilty for asking for what she may want in the bedroom.

2 The man is the sexual expert- Unlike little girls, little boys are encouraged to explore their sexuality.  They become familiar with their genitals at an early age and are encouraged to handle them during bathroom training.  Boys receive a much different title than girls do when they have a sexual encounter. Since girls are taught to be virginal they can begin to  look to the boys to know what is going on.

Too often, women hand over their sexual voice to the men they are sleeping with.  They don’t speak up and say that’s great but I want this. They assume that the man knows how to turn them on and make them orgasmic.  Many women spend their whole lives waiting for the man who will make them climax. This passive role can stand in the way of many women enjoying sex and becoming orgasmic.

In my office I tell a number of women that they are the expert of their own sexuality. You are the one person responsible for your orgasms.

3 I don’t deserve pleasure- “I just keep thinking about how long it is taking”, “I think I take too long”, “I am worried he is getting tired” all of these statements have been uttered to me from various women when discussing their inhibited orgasm.

In order to reach climax you need to be selfish.  You need to feel like you are worth it and that you deserve this time and attention.  Even if you are by yourself you will experience difficulty if you feel you don’t deserve the experience.  Many women who have trouble experiencing an orgasm will report feeling uneasy when they are sexually stimulated and cannot relax and enjoy the experiences.

4 I will always relive the sexual trauma- There are some women who report remembering sexual trauma they experienced as a child during times that they masturbate.  It is difficult for some survivors of sexual trauma to move past the trauma. For some the only sexual experiences they have had have been unfortunate incidences where they where they were abused or, as adults, went along with sexual experiences that someone else wanted.

If someone has only experienced sex as a negative occurrence it is challenging to change their thinking but it can be done. Positive sexual experiences need to be enjoyed so the woman knows there is more to sex than being over powered, hurt or at best a passive participant.

As one can see there are a number of reasons that can get in-between a woman and her ability to reach climax. All women, whether they are pre-orgasmic or orgasmic, need to develop a sexual voice.  Many women report being unhappy with their sex life only to find out that they are passive participants just going along for the ride.