The Number One Reason for an Unhappy Relationship is not What you think.
“Approach the game with no preset agendas and you’ll probably come away surprised at your overall efforts.”- Phil Jackson
He never talks to me about his feelings. She doesn’t want to have sex any more. He should pick up after himself. She should appreciate how hard I work to support this family.
These statements and statements like them are the negative thread that pulls at many unhappy relationships. They are all grown from the same notion- these people have an agenda for their relationship and their partner.
An unhappy marriage stems from having expectations that you perceive as not being met.
Expectations are the stumbling block of every great relationship. They take away luster from simple acts of kindness and replace that gleam with the heavy film of “shoulds”. This film preconception must be removed before we can experience the fullness of our relationship and our partner.
When you attach a “should” to your partner, such as: they should call everyday, they should tell me they love me before we go to bed, they should have more sex with me, it sets up a barrier that impeded the pure enjoyment of all these wonderful acts.
Its great when your partner calls, tells you they love you and has great sex with you, but if you set any of these behaviors up as a hoop they must jump through for you to be happy it takes the magic out of life’s greatest encounters.
Great marriages come alive when surprise is woven into its fibers, but this amazement does not come from achieving the criteria your partner has set up for you. True amazement and wonder comes from removing the expectations and providing acceptance.
It is not up to us to make our relationships into something that they are not intended to be. You should not try to change your partner into that prefect person you envision them to be, but work to see and accept them for the perfect person they already are.
If your partner falls short in the complements department this does not make them a horrible person. Consider that perhaps they are not intended to have finesse with flatter that you so desire. Find the qualities you adore- the features that drew you to them in the first place.
The best relationships are not those in which we seek to alter our partners, but ones in which we find the beauty they already possess. It’s our failure to recognize the magnificence in our partner that creates discontentment in our relationships.