Change the One You Love.

One thing you need to know if you want to change someone.

I often wonder how many couples start therapy with their main objective being to change their spouse. Most duos begin innocently enough stating that they have communication problem, want better sex, or would like to stop arguing, but as the time in session ticks on more authentic desires will often emerge.

“If he would only do blank we would not have to be coming to therapy every week.”

“She is actually the one who needs to change. I’ m just here to support her growth and make sure she makes it to her appointment on time.”

Many couples would love a fast food like approach to couples counseling and “fixing” their spouse.

I often imagine that couples fantasize about a place where they can drop off their loved one once a week to be brainwashed into their perfect custom made soul mate. The place would probably have a conveyor belt and a list of qualities one would like enhanced or decreased in their wife or husband.

Since we are a nation that looks for the fastest solution at almost any cost I am sure someone will devise something that can help these “perfect, time starved individuals” from attending sessions with their horribly flawed partners. (This last paragraph is exactly why they need to create a sarcasm font)

But there are still many people out there who don’t wish to brainwash their partner, but would really like to tweak a few minor details.

For now, there is hope for those of you who honestly wish you could change one or two of your partners nagging idiosyncrasies, but are not quite comfortable sending them to be completely reprogrammed.

The key to changing your partner is accepting them exactly the way they are. Yes, this is not a typo, if you want your partner to make any type of substantial change in the relationship or their lives you must learn to accept them and their unflattering behavior.

I know that this approach seams contradictory, but let take a closer look at why it works so well.

When a person pressures another individual to change their behavior rarely is it met with warm open arms and, in fact, it can cause a person resist the change.

I have yet to see one’s statement of, “Could you just stop your incessant nagging for once?” met with the welcome retort of “Gosh you have a point, I am quite annoying. I think I am going to try a new approach”.

If you have ever tried this line of attack you know that there’s a good chance it won’t lead to your partner changing their “incessant nagging”, but rather increases this pattern you hope to eliminate.

As long as you choose to focus on a person’s fault, their shortcomings are what you will see. What’s more, in addition to seeing their weakness in the foreground you will begin to lose focus on their great redeeming qualities.

It can be very difficult to accept your partner exactly as they are, especially if every fiber of your being is telling you that they are wrong, guilty and need to correct themselves. But finding the faults in your partner has never led to longer-term happiness, even if you are “right”.

Ask yourself, “Do I want to be “right” or do I want to be happy”?

Accepting them does not mean that you are condoning their behavior; it means you accept them, as they are, the good and the bad, without trying to change them.

An example of how to accept someone as they are comes to mind when I think of my relationship with one of my oldest and dearest friends, Jack.

I can’t begin to tell you how blessed I feel to have a friend like Jack. He’s kind, patient, endlessly funny and forever late. There have been numerous times I have sat in a restaurant waiting (usually for 25 minutes or more) for Jack to finally show up – usually with what he would call a good reason for the tardiness.

At one time Jack’s lateness would get me very angry. “How can you be so inconsiderate? Don’t you know I hate waiting for you?” This is how 90% of our dinners started. Then one day I decided to let it go. Why was I getting so bent out of shape?

My frame of mind was starting our dinners off on a bitter note. I didn’t want to spend this time I valued in a bad mood. Once I decided to let it go and accept him, tardiness and all, my perspective changed and I was happier.

I don’t like the tardiness, but I don’t have to like it to accept my friend Jack. By accepting him and no longer trying to change him it frees him from a death grip of me trying to alter him.

So how do you deal with the “nagging spouse”, you ask? Work on accepting them as they are. Listen to understand, not to dispute. Try to understand why they might be “nagging”. Are they upset? Do they feel they are not being heard?

Understanding the behavior may help you accept your partner and see them in a new light. What was once nagging turns into someone feeling frustrated because they do not feel heard on points that are important to them.

Great relationships are more about being a better partner than finding a better partner. We make a conscious choice to point a spotlight on our partner’s faults or to look at the good qualities they possess.

Many couples that I see in counseling have been looking at their spouse’s perceived defects for quite some time at the expense of losing what made that individual so appealing to them in the first place.

There is only so much space in your mind. You can fill it with positive thoughts, loving memories, and enriching ideas or you can pack it with things that anger you, make you feel unloved, and leave a knot in your heart.