How Thinking About an Affair Can Help Your Marriage.
The sex people have with their spouse is usually much different from the sex they had when they were single. Many people would love to have better sex more often but few people stop to think about how things they are doing could be affecting the quality and frequency of their coupling.
One notable difference between the sexual desire of a married couple and that of a couple that is not committed is the extent that sex is taken for granted. Often, sex in wedlock can feel expected, or take on a sense of entitlement. It can even get to the point where one person in the relationship feels as if sex is owed to them since they are now off the market for other potential suitors.
This attitude toward martial sex does not kindle the flame of desire. There is an old adage that says: Expectations are premeditated resentments. Sexual expectations for your partner are no different and can inhibit sexual satisfaction.
I am not trying to persuade the married couple from boycotting sex, but rather encourage them to appreciate it when they do have it. Hopefully a new outlook will bring with it vitality and new growth in your sex life and desire.
Our attempts to extract desire from our person of interest changes throughout our relationship.
Before a commitment is established between two individuals there is a lot of effort put into eliciting sexual desire from the other person. One maps out a sexual desire plot. Cues that educe sexual wanting in the date are mapped out and thoughtfully interjected as evidenced by topics that are chosen for discussion, clothing that is selected or even food that is eaten (no onions or beans please).
What happens after we get married or have been with our partner for a while? The pushup bra comes off and the sweat pants become a wardrobe staple. The flow of flowers and small gifts is replaced with an endless supply of laundry. Fanning the flame of desire can be the last thing that happens.
Relationship expert Ester Perel asserts in her book “Mating in Captivity” that in order to have exciting sex in a marriage “you must elicit the other person’s desire”. Often in the parameters of marriage desire is not invited but rather its scrutinized; it’s excepted to just happen or it becomes monitored.
Perel states that men, in particular, are guilty of monitoring desire. They let their wife sleep late, take care of the kids a few hours, walk the dog all with the hope that it will lead to sex later on in the evening. This may help keep domestic bliss in balance but it doesn’t help create longing in their wife (unless walking the dog is sexually exciting for her).
It may help to ask yourself, “How would I be treating my wife/husband if they were my mistress/misteress? How would I treat them if we had just started courting?” Suddenly walking the dog and taking the kids for a few hours may not seem so seductive.
In the beginning of relationships we are just getting the first glimpse of someone. This is a time when we have few expectations. In turn, few or no expectations highlight every redeeming quality in the person who is receiving our attention. We don’t expect that our behavior will lead to sex, but rather blissfully hope it will add up to that glorious moment.
We pay attention to our clothing, how we smell, how our hair is done. We pay our date attention, flirt, compliment, ask thoughtful questions and listen attentively. We make great efforts to show them how deserving we are of their sexual company.
Each drop in the bucket adding up to what we hope will lead to an idyllic night of twisted-sheet sex. And if that evening doesn’t lead to sex, do we pout and punish our date for their reluctance? No, not if you want another date or a chance to have sex with that person.
When a date that we are really into doesn’t respond instantly to our seductive attempts we are often left with the desire to try harder. We don’t blame them for their coyness. Their coyness inspires us to keep up the courting. When someone we are married to doesn’t respond to our seductive attempts it’s another story all together.
When attempts to draw out desire from our mate fail in our marriage we pout, blame our partner, call them names, or punish by withholding something- affection, help, etc. Why would this behavior lead to sex in the future?
Golden rule here: don’t let anything your mate does effect your treatment of them. Don’t let your disappointment or unfulfilled expectations lead to building a thicker wall of resentment.